Today my heart is a bit ugly and green. It's not looking like what I want my heart to look like. It's jealous and frustrated and weary. We have seen two families from our orphanage who exited MOI after us, receive passports and visas ahead of us, and have either already picked up their children or will be picking them up shortly. I want desperately to be excited for those families. (And I am.) But my selfish old heart says "Why them? Why not us?"
Jealousy is one of those adoption emotions that often gets swept under the rug. No one wants to admit that they are having trouble rejoicing for someone. No one wants to admit that they have spent time literally crying tears of sorrow and frustration over someone else's praises, because they wanted those praises to be their own. But the truth is, for me at least, jealousy seems to lay fallow just beneath the covering of my heart, ready to jump out and take me hostage when someone else gets the very things I've been longing for. I can't say that I have ever been more aware of this than in these last few months. We have consistently felt passed by, as time lines have been surpassed. We know that the small voices that creep up and say things like "That's not fair." and "Maybe sending someone a more assertive email will help." are not productive voices. But that doesn't change the fact that they are still there, lurking in the back of our minds.
So if you've been there or are there, in that place where jealousy seems to be eating at your core, know you're not alone. Your quiet discontent is all too familiar. But I also know that God has given me a wonderful promise: He has given me all I need for Godly living. And that means His gifts of self control and joy are available to me if I choose to accept them. Sometimes taking those gifts isn't easy. And sometimes, it takes me multiple attempts to firmly get my hands on them. But I choose to believe that perhaps tomorrow my heart won't be quite as chartreuse as it is tonight.
5 comments:
So many of us walking this road understand your feelings. God just keeps calling us back and telling us to trust Him. I wish I could let it go so easily. Keep pressing on. He will be home SOON!
This is all that i've been feeling as well,even though we haven't even started the paperwork yet I am still jealous with all the people around us that have started and are almost finished and know exactly in their hearts what to do..I am wresting with this as well and feel at times overwhelmed! Keep praying,that's all I can do...
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know, to a point, what you are feeling, watching others pass us by as we sit for no apparent reason (at least no one can give us a reason). It hurts. A lot. But at the same time, I am encouraged by the movement others are seeing -- and I thoroughly rejoice with those who are able to bring their children home. It will happen. In God's perfect timing. I pray for your waiting heart.
Jodie,
I have no idea how you and the others who have been stuck for so long do it. (I actually do know, it's because you have no other alternative and because but for the grace of God, you do it.) But I cannot imagine how hard it is. And with no real reason for the wait. It can make you crazy if you get stuck there. (And trying to keep from getting stuck there is hard.)
Yep. I hear you. Someone who started at the same time as us is taking their child home next week. We are 7 mo in parquet. I am very happy for all these people flying past us but I want to go with them : (
Hoping you hear good news soon. i don't know if everything is closed up for Christmas yet or not.
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