Robert Fulghum write that "Weddings are a lot like any other occasion in life. Anything can happen. The great banana peel of existence is always on the floor somewhere." For some reason, that thought resonates with me, especially in regards to what "what's next?" question that is in our life right now. I think we're finally feeling some sense of direction in what God might have for our family next terms of growing it. But the thing is, whenever it comes time to make a definite decision, the imaginary banana peels of life start making appearances.
I think any leap of faith is like that, especially if you are someone who struggles with perfectionist, performance based thoughts. Failure seems fatal. Changing your mind mid stream seems like admitting defeat. Investing money or time or energy into an unfruitful venture seems unwise.
And with adoption, it is very easy to have a perfectionist, peformance based idea of success. It is easy to think that success means you welcome a new child into your home instead of looking at an empty room, meant for a new child, who is not coming home. It is easy to think that success means a seamless transition, where the new child fits perfectly into your family, where it is like he has always been there rather than looking at a child, feeling guilty for not loving him the way you think you should be loving, and wondering when it will stop feeling like glorified babysitting. And it is easy to think that success means a life that looks the same as it did before adoption, before the need for medical doctors or psychologists.
For us, we are currently considering two avenues, all while trying to be open enough to changing those ideas if God would have us do something different. Choice A represents a domestic infant adoption through a very low cost agency in our state. (Which the cost factor is one of the reasons we would most likely not pursue a domestic adoption through any other agency. Many domestic adoptions cost between $10, 000 to $30, 000 and that cost, for a number of reasons, just isn't where we are at right now. I'm not knocking it for those who have done that option, just saying it's not for us, right now.) Choice B represents an adoption from the foster care system, trying to be matched with a child aged birth to 3 who is currently waiting to be adopted. (Birth is a bit of misnomer as a child often has to be in foster care a minimum of a year plus before they can be legally adopted.) Since we are looking at a younger child, there is a high chance that this would be a medical special needs child. If we end up going that route, the cost will be essentially free with the possiblity of stipends to cover medical costs.
Of course, with each option, there are multiple opportunities to fail, multiple banana peels that might cause us to slip up.
Choice A means putting your family out there and allowing a birth family to select you from a variety of other families. What if we are not chosen? How long do we wait before we say that program is not for us? Can we really deal with an infant? I'm not really a baby person; while I'm not anti baby, I'm not the person who gravitates towards every baby they see.
Choice B is actually not a new choice to us. We were trained and licensed as foster parents by our state department of health and human services for about 2 years. At that time, we were hoping to adopt a child aged 0-5 who was already legally able to be adopted. We received 3 calls for placements in that two year stretch: one was regarding a pregnant teenager, one was regarding two sisters aged 3 and 5, and one was an emergency placement for a 6 year old girl which was straight up foster care with no real intention of it being an adoptive placement. Obviously none of those were what we were looking for. We also inquired about several children in different states but never had any of that amount to anything. What we felt like when we decided to quit pursuing that option was that 1. what we felt prepared to parent did not fit into the fos adopt mold and 2. it was up to our local case worker to connect other social workers and advocate for our family as a potential placement and we honestly had no idea of if this was happening. So with choice B comes the question of will we repeat that experience and spend our time and effort pursuing a child who just doesn't exist? When you add in the elements of a child in foster care with medical needs, the banana peels just keep on coming. What if the child has attachment issues? What if we think we can handle the medical needs but the reality is more than what we anticipated? Will we be able to successfully parent a child with attachment needs/medical needs?
I know what the Sunday school answer is. And I know in a very broad sense what it is God wants from me. But what gets harder is having to choose. It's coming to the fork in the road, casting aside your doubt about that path ahead and setting out, knowing that you may end up walking back down the road you were on, retracing your steps and starting over because the choice was not right.
And perhaps that's the heart of the issue: I want to make the right choice. But following God isn't about right choices. It's more about finding a spot beside Him and trying to walk step by step with Him. It's about believing that no matter the outcome, no matter if that first step takes you down a road that doesn't have the end result, that it is not a failure. Faith is less about us and our ability to choose wisely. It's not about the end results, success versus failure, or how smoothly it all runs. It is instead about a wild and wooly ride, one that has us choosing to hold onto the coattails of our Father, clinging onto the fabric for dear life while wondering what on earth we have done but believing He has a purpose for all of it as we learn more and more about Who He is.
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