I think I'm finally feeling like we're getting rid of some of the fogginess associated with transitioning a new kiddo into your home. We have had three nights in a row where everyone was slept in their own room from bedtime until 6:30 or so. That is making a huge difference for me. (Unfortunately, I've got some funky allergy stuff going on so I'm not reaping the full benefis just yet. And I'm hoping I haven't jinxed it by writing about it.)
I think the hardest part of adopting a child who is not a baby is the tendancy to forget how much like a baby this child needs to become. People on the outside looking in probably don't get it. It's hard to be mindful of not pushing for your three year old to be potty trained...because all the other three year olds around you are. It's hard to feel hyper aware of every move your child makes in regards to other grownups, hoping that they aren't doing something that puts them too close to another grown up, too close for your comfort...and watching as other three year olds snuggle in with their grandmas or family friends. It's hard to resist that urge to let them dress themselves, feed themselves, play by themselves...because most other three year olds are engaged in their own private struggles for independence....while your little one needs more time being dependent on a grown up.
What people don't realize is that it's a conscience choice to parent your child in a way that you feel promotes healing. It's an intensely private choice where you find yourself researching and asking questions of others and then still feel hopelessly adrift in the parenting sea, wondering if you've got it right. I suppose it's a lot like other intensely private parenting choices like breastfeeding vs formula or staying at home vs working. But I think what hangs over you head is a deep seeded concern that if you don't get it right, there's a real chance your child might be unable to form healthy relationships with ANYONE. I'm not saying that I live in that place a lot. Just that I visit it from time to time.
So what promotes healing, especially when you are adjusting and where life is spinning in this eerie way to fast, but way too slow time warp? I have found myself being very thoughtful in regards to a few things.
-I've been listening to Karyn Purvis online. She has some great video clips available now. They aren't earth shattering or anything that I didn't already know. They are just quick reminders of what my child has experienced and what she needs. They make me refocus and adjust my thinking when it starts to get frustrated and out of whack. Watching a clip every now and then while the kids are napping has just helped me keep the needs of my kids at the forefront of my parenting. Quick and easy pick me ups, I guess.
- I've been trying really hard to fight the urge to leave Conleigh to her own devices. What I mean by that is that it's really tempting to take a child who is tantruming or disobedient and just put them in time out and leave them there. Or to continue to put off an overly clingy child's requests for attention. I have been really trying to follow time outs (which I still do) with rocking or cuddling. And sometimes a bottle. And I've got my sling back out and am obliging Conleigh's requests for carrying. They usually start at 5:30 or so when she's tired and hungry and really probably ready for bed due to her odd sleeping habits. Those are all things I did with Kenson but for some reason, it's been harder to do with Conleigh. (Maybe because there's another child involved?)
-I've also been trying to create some one on one time with Conleigh and myself. This includes having Kenson go to the babysitter's for a couple mornings a week. I wasn't sure if this was a good choice because I was worried about Kenson feeling like we were just trying to send him away. But it has been good for all of us. Plus, on the mornings when he goes, D takes him on the way to school and often they stop for doughnuts first. It gives Kenson some one on one Papa time that he has not really gotten. In general, I find that with two kiddos, they play together so much that I honestly feel like there are times where I haven't spent any time playing face to face with them.
I certainly don't pretend to have it all together. But I have found myself using some of these things as anchors in my parenting. It's about having some core values/strategies that help center my reactions.
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