Meanness vs. Racism-Another Perspective

From my world wide web friend, L, who blogs at Wordy Girl...

L is also the mama to a little girl from Haiti.  Her girlie is in elementary school.

"We have been blessed by very diverse public schools, but we have not been exempt from those kinds of remarks being made to V. If I were you, I would mention it to the teacher so she can be on the look out for this child's similar behaviors and nip them in the bud. It might not be racism...yet. But it could easily develop into that if she is allowed to remark on people's race without any consequences. As a parent, I would absolutely want to know if my child said something like that so that I could address it with her. Perhaps the teacher could decide whether it warrants a remark to the parent.


One of the things I have come to appreciate is that racism is determined by the experience of the victim. If it feels like racism to the person to whom it's directed, then it is. PC and I have a rule - if it looks like racism and smells like racism, it is."

Many of the thing L said I actually thought about.  If my child were making mean comments regardless of what they were, I would expect the teacher to deal with it and to let me know if the problem persisted.    

I also think what she said about perception being true.  We've all heard that perception is reality and if someone is feeling slighted and perceives that race was a reason for the slight, then you can't talk them out of his/her feeling.  One of the best things I think I've read on racism and our sensitivity to it came from another adoptive mom in some forum.  What she said was that for people who are the minority, they often walk around "sunburned."  They have had previous experiences that have left them hurting.  But those of us who don't know them closely don't see those previous experiences.  For the "sunburned" person, a light pat can feel like a slap and a poke can bring them to tears.  Those previous experiences make certain situations extremely painful.  It is not necessarily pain that is forced or exagerated, but pain that is a part of who they are.  In other words, their what has happened in the past and what is happening now are shaping their perception of how they think others view them as a black person, white person, Asian person, etc..  

I know a lot of moms who are parenting kids of a different color who would have done just what L said.  They would have let the teacher know what their daughter said happened and asked the teacher to deal with it.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  It's another one of those mom issues that perhaps there isn't a right way to do it.  In my case, I had good reasons for why I handled it the way I did.  (My prior background with little kids and race, my prior experience as a teacher, the age of the child, the number of incidents.) And if L were faced with a similar situation and dealt with it in the manner she described, she would have had a good rationale behind her actions as well.  

There's really just one story here.  We both are moms who are keenly aware that we are not raising Caucasian children.  We're both moms who want to make sure our kids know that they can talk to us about issues involving their skin.  We're both moms who want to make sure our kids know that it is not okay for someone to make us feel badly, especially in regards to our skin color.  We're both moms who want our kids to be empowered and assertive.   It's one story just different perspectives.  

More proof I'm a Mom...

*I have a dirty sock hidden behind my tv...and I know it's there but just don't care
*the snow in my front yard has rake tracks in it
*I am very hopeful that I convinced my child that his rash is not appropriate for show and tell on today, especially since it is circular and looks like ringworm (it's not; the professionals have declared it ezcema).  I am about 95% sure he shared his wiggly tooth instead.
*I was the referee in an argument that sounded like this:  Kenson, you're a door uh bull!  I am not!  I'm handsome!  Stop calling me names!

All from last week because what mom has time to actually document her kids' lives as they are actually happening?

3 years...head down memory lane

It's been three years this week since Kenson came home.  3 years?  Hard to believe he was little and small when now he is big and tall.  (Especially since he just polished off a cup of yogurt, 2 fried eggs, a piece of toast with jelly, about 1/2 a cup of mango, and 1 orange slice for lunch.)  On the teetor totter of attachment, he's now spent 2 1/2 years in orphanage care and 3 years in a family.  It's just one of those things that makes me smile to know that he now has 6 months of his life where family living outweights orphanage living.  Head back in time and check out my posts from that January, full of pictures and some little tidbits about being home with our new little guy.

Racism or just plain old mean

Today, Conleigh told me that someone hurt her feelings at school yesterday.  At first glance, I think there are a lot of white moms who are parenting black children who probably would have been burning in their souls over the hurt.  Here's the situation:  another little girl told Conleigh she couldn't play a certain game because only peach girls could play.   At the surface, it sounds a lot like racism.  And my Mama ears certainly perked up when I heard that skin color was involved.

As we talked, I worked with Conleigh on responses for when people say things like that.  Responses like "That hurts my feelings.  Stop.", "Brown girls can do anything peach girls can do.", "That's not true." and "Why do you say that?"  We also talked about when to walk away and when to tell a teacher.  Sometimes it's not worth wasting your words on a mean person.  When telling a teacher, you should try to use your words to resolve the problem but if you can't, tell the teacher as it's happening and be sure to mention that peach and brown were involved.  In this case, perhaps the best response is actually asking the little girl in question to look at her own skin color.  She's Hispanic and is more beige than peach.  (Conleigh thought that was quite funny.)

All of that still leaves the looming questions:  does the preschool have a rampant racist and what will I do about it?  After hearing more, I think what is more likely at play is a little girl who often treats others with meanness choosing to continue that meanness by pointing out something that she thinks makes Conleigh different.   (Based on previous comments made by both of my children regarding this little one and the things she says.)  Perhaps I am naive but I don't think this little girl's family carries on at home, making disparging marks about black people.  Instead, I tend to believe that this little girl has probably witnessed cattiness of the female variety and perhaps has witnessed someone making comments about others who are different.    So the reality is, I'm not doing anything other than teaching Conleigh to do her best to deal with it on her own.  Mean people are a part of life and the best thing I can do for Conleigh is to give her the tools to deal with it.  If it happens again, then perhaps we will take a different approach.  But as a one time display of meanness and little girl "blechiness", we'll leave it at that.

Locs Style-Full Head Flat Twists

I always have a terrible time finding any inspiration for things to do to jazz up Conleigh's locs so I thought I'd share our latest style online for others to view.  I parted her hair in half and then parted each half into 4 sections.  From there, I did flat twists starting at the front and going all the way to the nape of her neck.  I find myself using flat twists over cornrows because they are faster and because Conleigh doesn't have  lot of hair in some places so I run out of hair if I try to do cornrows.  Since cornrows are a braid, if you miss stitches it starts getting very noticeable.  With flat twists, you can miss stitches and no one is any wiser.  At the neckline, I used a rubber band to hold each twist which left me with some straggly looking ponytails.  So I twisted and rolled each of those ponytails into messy buns which I secured with a soft, colored ponytail holder.  (Early morning pics, after about 2 days of wear so we're a little messy looking yet.  She does have some new growth which I just started braiding/locking so I didn't want to stress it by putting it back in the twists.)

A Kidnapping Plot is Hatched

Last night, D tucked Conleigh into bed and laid down beside her for a few moments.  As he laid there, she informed him that she needed to talk to him.  About Ezekiel.  Which was of course fine with Derek.  And then she asked "Can we go steal him?"

Love the Boy...His Thoughts on Future Employment

About a month ago, I was in the car doing the unthinkable, talking on my phone.  I was returning a phone call from one of the workers with Lutheran Family Services regarding questions I had about getting our homestudy completed.  Kenson happened to be in the back and wanted to know who I was talking to.  Since he didn't know the woman, I simply said it was someone who helps kids who don't have families find families.  I added that that must be a pretty cool job and Kenson agreed, saying with a very serious voice, "I want to do that job when I get big."

Fast forward to this week.  Again, we were in the van.  Kenson and Conleigh were having some conversation about jobs.  I don't remember the exact words but somehow Conleigh offered up a suggestion to Kenson for things to do when he got bigger.  Offended, he huffed back "I'm not doing that!  I'm helping families and kids.  What job do I want to do again, Mama?"

Oh my deep thinking little boy.  What other 5 year old do you know who would like to be a social worker when he gets big?