Eyes Up, Insert Thumb

One of the red flags for kiddos with attachment issues is their inability to maintain eye contact.  Interestingly enough, in our American culture, not looking someone in the eyes is also seen as indicative of someone lying.  And continuing with the interesting thread, crazy mad lying is also another red flag for attachment issues.  (But I digress...)

Thankfully, neither of my kids seem to struggle with things that put them on the hard side of the attachment spectrum.  But I do have one who has struggled with eye contact.  The eye contact issue most generally arises if the child is mad at someone, is made to do something the child does not like, has been disciplined, or is being disciplined.   This child also uses thumb sucking as an avoidant behavior and likes to combine the lack of eye contact with the thumb sucking for an all out freeze out. 

It's not one of those things that is such a big behavior that we find ourselves pulling our hair out but it is a behavior we like to nip in the bud.  That means if you want some candy that is laying on the counter and Mama says no and if you react with a pout and angry eyes that won't engage, then you may have to spend some extra cuddle time with Mama.  That means if you were asked to sit on the stairs because you were fighting with someone over a toy, when a parent comes over to talk about the problem and work towards resolution, you must maintain eye contact.  Refusal to look at the grown up in the eye means the grown up will just stop talking and come back in a few minutes when you are ready to talk.  And it means if you are disciplined and must seek forgiveness from someone via an apology, you must look at that person in the eyes when you say "I'm sorry." 

The thumb sucking bit actually escaped me for a while.  For my little one, it is such a comfort behavior.  For every kid, regardles of history, thumb sucking is a self soothing/self comforting behavior.  And generally speaking, I'm of the frame of mind that it's not that big of a deal.  Most kids who struggle with breaking the thumb sucking habit will do so around first or second grade because the peer pressure to stop is pretty great.  (And I'm pretty sure most kids don't go to college sucking their thumbs, although I did see a snippet of something on A & E that featured a 20 something woman who sucked her thumb constantly...) 

For my kiddo, thumb sucking also represents control.  When this child feels unsure or unsafe, there is thumb sucking.  When the situation that surrounds the child develops into something the child doesn't like, there is thumb sucking  And the lack of eye contact almost always goes hand in hand with the thumb sucking.  I realized about 4 months ago how connected to two were and shared that with D so that we could parent from the same position.  This child needs to let go of the desire for control and that means letting go of the thumb when being disciplined or spoken to about serious things.  Sometimes all it takes is just a reminder.  Other times it requires a grown up physically removing the thumb from the mouth and instead ask the child to hold the adult's hand.  And often if that is the case, there is defiance and a reluctance to do so.

I suppose we all have our ways to maintain our perceived need for control.  For some kids, shifting the eyes down or just over the gaze of the other party or doing the fancy, darting eye dance is just one way.  For some, thumb sucking seems to work.  And the spiritual parallels are huge.  Thumb sucking and eye contact seem like such silly ways for someone to seek to control a situation.   But how often must I do my own version of those things with the Lord when I try to keep things safe and calm and manageable?

Circular Christmas

One 1 large circle from our house to D's dad's and step mom's to D's grandma's to my family's to home
We spent 6 days away from home and covered about 500 miles in those 6 days.  (We are so thankful we decided to board the dog.)

The short circle of gift giving and eating that occurred daily for about 4 days in a row
Leapster Explorers and stockings stuffed with candy and Cheetos.  Buzz Lightyear and Tinkerbell gifts combined with a new Italian resturant.  A day at D's grandma's with turkey, potatoes, and pie.  Doctor's kits, pots and pans, new games, rodeo figures, and pajamas while pies and ham and turkey and Bavarian mints spill out of my aunt's dining room.  Stick horses and cowboy hats, zoo/museum memberships, and new books paired with cookies.  So basically toys and sugar, toys and sugar.

And now, a very large laundry circle
You know-the one where it just keeps procreating in some strange asexual way.  Ahh it's so good to be home, even if the laundry is big and scary.

Visions of Sugarplums (well maybe just sugar)

I had this wonderful vision of doing drink mix themed goodie bags for holiday gifts.  Drink mix goodie bags complete with homemade marshmallows.  (Think hot chocolate and marshmallows.)  Around 4 p.m. tonight, I was questioning my sanity as my first batch of marshmallows tasted great but look a little like curdled cottage cheese.  Despite my previous failure, I decided to give it one more go with a different recipe and was delighted.  It actually worked and didn't require fourteen hundred steps or 2 hours of mixing.  And the mint version was amazing!  We may be finding little bits of marshmallow fluff all over the kitchen for days to come due to the extreme stickiness factor but I'm thinking it was worth it, if for nothing else, just being able to say I made homemade marshmallows.  (See attached photos for evidence of said stickiness.  If you look closely, you can literally see the sugar spinning itself into a spider web of goo.)

Excising Haiti

I knew it would happen sooner or later.

I knew that at some point, my kids would not like the story God has written for their lives.

Truthfully, it happens to probably every kid. You know, when your teenager decides your family vehicle is outdated and completely embarassing. Or when your 8th grader makes some comment about how all the other moms let their daughters wear shirts that show off their tummies. Or bra straps.  Or underwear.  Or when your boy is completely beside himself because you are making him attend youth group every week.

With kids who have come from hard places, coming to terms with the story God is writing is one of those "have to do" things. It has more layers than the basic teenage angst or peer pressure. It's about the questions of "who am I?" and "how does my story match up with everyone else's?"   It's about coming face to face with  why God allows bad stuff to happen and why He doen't always intervene in those situations.

And for kids who have racial differences between themselves and their peers or themselves and their family members, they have to come to terms with who they are and who their parents and peer groups are not.  For my kids, it means recognizing that they are chocolate and the rest of the family is peach.  That they are not the same as the bulk of the kids they see every day.  For my son, it will mean navigating the dating world where he might not be seen as an acceptable date for a white girl.  It will mean coming to terms with the fact that there might be people who will see him on the street at night and view him as an imposing black man.  For my daughter, it means having black hair in a white hair world.  It means knowing that there are some who have stereotypes of young black women as irresponsible, mouthy, and likely to become pregnant out of wedlock.  

This week, my heart sunk in my chest as my son took the first steps towards sorting out all of those big, grown up feelings. For some reason, he asked about a boy from school going to Haiti. I assumed he was coming to this question from the perspective that everyone's life is like his. (My friend, Lisa, calls this the mac and cheese moments in honor of a time in fifth grade when one of her friends reheated mac and cheese in the microwave by adding milk to it instead of water. Lisa couldn't believe her eyes because doesn't everyone on the face of the planet use water to reheat mac and cheese?)   I assumed Kenson was thinking that every kid has had the same experience and came to join a family via Haiti. As I explained that Kenson's story had Haiti in it but the other boy's did not, Kenson started shaking his head. The words "I don't want my story to have Haiti" rolled out of his mouth. And my heart started on a downward trajectory.

Oh how it is hard to hear him say that. Haiti is a precious story. One God gave just to Kenson. But once you start realizing that your story make you different, it can be very easy to wish that story would just go away. From before my kids were home, Psalms 139 has been a powerful prayer that I prayed for them. It contains such vivid imagery of a God who sees our children in our absence, of a God who created each person for a specific purpose, of a God who wants each person to believe that his story can be used by God.  And that continues to be my prayer for situations like these, that my kids would know that God saw them in utero, sees them now, and has His sights fixed on their futures.  That nothing that happened in their lives escaped His view.  That His love for them is visible in every moment of their lives.

From Psalms 139
"For you created my inmost being;  you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Need a quick Christmas or winter based project?

Christmas is a time for gift giving, for showing others we appreciate them by thoughtfully bringing them a gift, for remembering the gift of Jesus by sharing a gift with others.  And trying to keep your kids anchored to that message is a challenge.

I hope that my kids will always have a personal connection to the gifts they give so I am purposeful in including them in the gift giving process.  This year, we made our gift bags.  A little white tempera paint, some paper scraps, some fabric scraps, and some buttons.  The general process is simple enough.

1.  Paint the bottom of your child's sockless foot. 
2.  Use the foot like a stamp to make a snowman shape.  The heel is the head and the toes small snowballs at the base of the snowman.
3.  Dip your child's finger in paint and randomly make fingerprint snowflakes aroung the snowman.
4.  Once dry, use markers to add coal eyes, a coal mouth, a carrot nose, and stick arms.
5.  Last, use hot glue to affix a paper hat, buttons, and a fabric scarf.

I did ours on a medium sized brown craft paper bag but I'm sure you could use other colors.  I also had my kids do one each on regular paper with the intent of framing them to hang up next winter.  I used navy paper for that and that was a great color for the background.  I can see these snowman making appearances on thank you cards for the gifts received over the holidays or even as a great grandma gift by having all the grandkids use fabric paint on a sweatshirt, tree skirt, or pillow.

Thanks, Uncle Daniel!

We recieved our Christmas gifts from D's brother this week. The kids were so excited when the boxes came and I told them it was something from Daniel. They of course wanted to open it right at that very moment but I made them wait until after supper.

Conleigh's gifts were on top. Dan blessed her with a new baby to love and a kitty that walks, purrs, and meows. The baby has been named Conleigh and spent a good portion of today in a pretend bathtub for, well, let's just say, according to Conleigh, bathroom related messes. The kitty is an interesting story. Conleigh was captivated by it. Until she realized it moved. And then it freaked her out. It kind of just moves occasionally, without any reason, so I think she wasn't sure what to make of it. She would get comfortable with it, go to pick it up, then it would start moving and she'd shrink back and let it hit the ground. Or she would pick it up by the tail, kind of like someone might handle a mouse by its tail, and act like "I'll carry it but don't expect me to cuddle with it!"  By the end of the night, she'd had enough of it's crazy motions and she put it back in the box Dan packed it in with the instructions, "Go to sleep, Cat!"

I tried to get a good picture of her reacting to the cat but this is as close as I got.  You can sort of see her eyeballing poor kitty as if to see "I'm watching you, Cat!"

Kenson got his first ever, remote controlled race car. It's a Mustang, like Uncle Daniel's, but black not red. Our house is a bit cluttered so there's not a real good spot to drive it right now but he did get to see it in action. And he has repeatedly pulled the remote down off the buffet, trying to get someone to let him have at it. Our plan is to move the coffee tables out tomorrow and let him use it in a bigger space. And I think we're going to take it on our holiday visits with grandparents as several of them have nice open spaces in their homes for race care driving.

Thanks so much, Daniel!  We all enjoyed our gifts!  Hopefully we'll get yours sent out sometime soon.  (D's waiting for it to arrive.)

Some Christmas thoughts...

In case you've found it hard to capture the real meaning of Christmas...


I'd also encourage you to read this post, written by the same family. 

From that post, "How did our celebration of this day become so clean and crisp? Where are the smells and sweat and tears that were most certainly a part of Mary and Joseph's journey? It begs the question: Do 'Better Homes and Gardens' scenes with sparkling lights and gorgeous decorations reflect the Christmas story best? Are the experiences of a frightened and embarrassed teenage mother-to-be anything like that? Do the suffering in our world experience Christmas more like Mary and Joseph did - or do we?"


I love the juxtaposition of those who are blessed with overabundance and those who are blessed despite their poverty.  It's not a contest where one experiences Christmas in a better way.  It's about knowing that there is such a thing as a raw ,stripped down Christmas.  That it is our hearts that set the tone for Christmas.  No matter if you live in a world with stockings stuffed full or don't own a pair of socks.  No matter if you live in a world of trimmed trees or tree leaf roofs.