One of the red flags for kiddos with attachment issues is their inability to maintain eye contact. Interestingly enough, in our American culture, not looking someone in the eyes is also seen as indicative of someone lying. And continuing with the interesting thread, crazy mad lying is also another red flag for attachment issues. (But I digress...)
Thankfully, neither of my kids seem to struggle with things that put them on the hard side of the attachment spectrum. But I do have one who has struggled with eye contact. The eye contact issue most generally arises if the child is mad at someone, is made to do something the child does not like, has been disciplined, or is being disciplined. This child also uses thumb sucking as an avoidant behavior and likes to combine the lack of eye contact with the thumb sucking for an all out freeze out.
It's not one of those things that is such a big behavior that we find ourselves pulling our hair out but it is a behavior we like to nip in the bud. That means if you want some candy that is laying on the counter and Mama says no and if you react with a pout and angry eyes that won't engage, then you may have to spend some extra cuddle time with Mama. That means if you were asked to sit on the stairs because you were fighting with someone over a toy, when a parent comes over to talk about the problem and work towards resolution, you must maintain eye contact. Refusal to look at the grown up in the eye means the grown up will just stop talking and come back in a few minutes when you are ready to talk. And it means if you are disciplined and must seek forgiveness from someone via an apology, you must look at that person in the eyes when you say "I'm sorry."
The thumb sucking bit actually escaped me for a while. For my little one, it is such a comfort behavior. For every kid, regardles of history, thumb sucking is a self soothing/self comforting behavior. And generally speaking, I'm of the frame of mind that it's not that big of a deal. Most kids who struggle with breaking the thumb sucking habit will do so around first or second grade because the peer pressure to stop is pretty great. (And I'm pretty sure most kids don't go to college sucking their thumbs, although I did see a snippet of something on A & E that featured a 20 something woman who sucked her thumb constantly...)
For my kiddo, thumb sucking also represents control. When this child feels unsure or unsafe, there is thumb sucking. When the situation that surrounds the child develops into something the child doesn't like, there is thumb sucking And the lack of eye contact almost always goes hand in hand with the thumb sucking. I realized about 4 months ago how connected to two were and shared that with D so that we could parent from the same position. This child needs to let go of the desire for control and that means letting go of the thumb when being disciplined or spoken to about serious things. Sometimes all it takes is just a reminder. Other times it requires a grown up physically removing the thumb from the mouth and instead ask the child to hold the adult's hand. And often if that is the case, there is defiance and a reluctance to do so.
I suppose we all have our ways to maintain our perceived need for control. For some kids, shifting the eyes down or just over the gaze of the other party or doing the fancy, darting eye dance is just one way. For some, thumb sucking seems to work. And the spiritual parallels are huge. Thumb sucking and eye contact seem like such silly ways for someone to seek to control a situation. But how often must I do my own version of those things with the Lord when I try to keep things safe and calm and manageable?
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