Parenting Fail

Kai + toilet + cup = epic fail

As I was getting ready this morning in the master bathroom, I heard Kai coughing so I headed out to see what was going on.  Sure enough he was coughing.  Holding a cup, standing in front of the toilet with the lid up, coughing.  Because he apparently dipped the cup in the toilet and drank it.  Yes, it was clean water.  No, I did nothing other than move him out of the bathroom, shut the door, and use hand sanitizer on his hands.

Linky Love-What we Need to Tell Our Daughters

Love this post by my friend, Kathy.  She shared her thoughts on what girls really need to hear but then she stepped it up a notch by sharing links to books that help to promote those things with in pre teen, tween, and teen girls.  It's a great list, one I'm tucking away.  One caveat-I think Kathy's post underscores great Biblical principles for raising girls.  Of course, the biggest principle is "Love God, love others, love yourself."  Relationship has to trump rules.  It's why Micah 6:8 is one of my regular prayers for all of my kids, that they would learn that God wants them to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him.  Anyway, just thought I'd share.  

What We Need to Tell Our Daughters

Locs Braid Out

We had family picture this last week so I tried to do a bit more with Conleigh's hair than our usual "slap a headband on and call it good" style.  The night before, she washed her hair and I put some Shea Moisture Coconut and Hibiscus Curling Butter on as I sectioned it out into medium sized box braids.  I was pretty deliberate in how I positioned the boxes, creating a section for side swept bangs at the front by creating a part and then braiding to the right and left of that part.  The back section of her hair was braided going towards the back.  In other words, you braid the braids so that they will hang in the direction you want the hair to lay once you undo the braids.  I did pretty small sections, like maybe 6-8 braid locks in each box.  The actual box braids looked pretty decent by themselves.  Conleigh actually wore them to church on Sunday.  I should have taken a quick picture but I didn't think about it at the time.  I took the braids out on Sunday afternoon and the wavy locs were perfect.  She loved it.

The Two Things Every Mom Needs to Hear

For the mom who has restless babies who do not sleep through the night, who thinks even four hours of solid sleep would be wonderful...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who has a teenager who is sullen and withdrawn, who misses the toddler who was so quick to crawl up into her lap...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom whose husband works long hours and finds herself as the cook and the maid and the peacemaker and the toothbrusher and the bedtime story reader...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who is not thin enough, smart enough, religious enough, pretty enough, funny enough...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who looks back at her previous life, the one before kids and finds the person she is now is nothing like the person she used to be...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who is watching her children go to kindergarten.  Or junior high.  Or off to senior pictures.  Who cannot believe how long the days are but how short the years are...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who feels like motherhood has squeezed out every ounce of energy from her body, who runs on coffee and chocolate, who would exercise but can't find the time, who feels like she is neglecting her spiritual side, who wishes she could fit more into the 24 hours she is given each day...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who feels alone, who is surrounded by people, but always alone...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who really is alone, who is limited by her own physical or mental health issues, who is raising a child who has unique needs that make friendship with others hard, who lives in an isolated area where there just aren't many women her age..this is hard and in spite of those limits, you're a good mom.

For the mom who is battling dark feelings, anxious thoughts, and depression, who wonders when she will finally be able to get out of the pit...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who seems to have it all-the perfect husband, the beautiful house, the well mannered kids-who everyone always seems to view as a bit too perfect, too beautiful, too well mannered...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who goes to work every day and wishes she could stay home..this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who stays home every day and wishes she could go to work...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom who goes to work but doesn't feel guilty but then feels guilty because she doesn't feel guilty...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom whose child is a prodigal, who has rejected her values, her rules, her love...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For the mom whose child is broken, who is consumed by addiction or mental illness...this is hard and you're a good mom.

For every mom, no matter how others might view your circumstances, this is hard and you're a good mom.

Perhaps it is part of the curse, that as a result of Eve's sin, the curse of pain in childbirth stretches far past the actual birthing moments.  Or perhaps it is more about the broader consequences of living in a fallen world.  I think every woman is vaguely aware of how motherhood is hard.  But until you are a mom who is living it day in and day out, I don't think you fully understand just how hard it is.  Of course, there are moments of joy.  But when moms are really honest with themselves, there are a lot of really hard moments.  It doesn't matter where you live, how much money you make, how many kids you have, or even how much you love Jesus.  The plain simple truth is that being a mom is hard.  Hearing someone else acknowledge how hard those moments are is affirming.  Not because moms need to be weighed down with negative thinking.  But because moms need to know that these struggles are a part of a shared human experience, that it's not just unique to them, and that when they face these challenges every day, that sometimes just surviving in that moment is considered success.

It's so easy for motherhood to feel like a never ending game of Candyland.  It's playing with ever changing rules, where drawing a purple card doesn't mean move to purple, but instead means move to yellow, but when the next purple card is drawn, it actually means move to green.  It's a constant challenge to keep the game board orderly and then as you get the cards neatly stacked, a strong wind from the ceiling fan blows them off onto the floor.  It's being one square away from the candy castle and somehow drawing the silly plum card, forcing you way back to the beginning of the game, while the end point seems to only get farther and farther away.  It's watching others joyfully playing, watching others celebrating their win, while you sit mired on a black dot, waiting for someone else to draw a card that will free you from that square.  A lot of times, it just feels defeating, like you are losing and doing a terrible job even at that.   If that's where you are today, let me offer up one more affirmation:  you are a good mom.  You are not perfect.  You are not the same as the mom down the street, as your mom, as your best friend, or as the mom in the magazine.  You are a real mom, a mom who is doing the best she can in the moment with what she has.  Sometimes, it is not about making the right choice or having all the answers.  Sometimes, good means simply that you love your kids and that your love for your kids will cover a multitudes of wrongs.  You're a good mom.

Revision Scheduled

We have scheduled the revision/realignment procedure for Zeke's finger for this week.  It's going to be a bit of a whirlwind, with all six of us heading to Minnesota for a few days but after weighing the options, it seemed like the best plan.  The actual procedure will be really short.  It should take only an hour or so to realign the bones.  The plan is to go in through the existing surgery site, pry the bones apart at the original site where they were joined, realign them, put in a pin or two and then cast the hand.  Zeke should be casted for 4-5 weeks.  Last time, when they took off his casts, they took an x ray and thought everything looked healed.  We were given no restrictions other than to monitor the new finger for injuries related to heat, cold, or cuts since his finger would have no nerves to detect those sensations.   At the time, I voiced some concerns about Zeke being an active kid and was a bit shocked that there wasn't a plan to protect this new digit a bit.  But the surgeon was pretty certain that wasn't an issue.  Anyway, this time around, they are going to be taking things a bit slower and putting him into some type of soft sided splint or cast once they take off the cast and remove the pins.

I try not to be a worrywart but my natural tendency is to fret and try to plan and make things perfect so trips like this are no exception.  Of course, we have a surgery coming up that will involve anesthesia.  We also have managed to host some cold germs that I'm hoping stay in check while we are gone.  I was sick all last week with it and spent three days on the couch barely moving.  No one else has seemed to have had it to that degree but I'd feel a lot better if I didn't have four slightly sick kids.  It's also a concern to me that Zeke's new finger has not really been functional yet.  It appears this is due to the bones not aligning but again, I'd just feel a lot better if things were working correctly.  As my friend, Vada, told me at church, "You just wish it were fixed right now!"

So that's the scoop on our week and what's next in the toe transfer world.

What's It Like to Be One?

Because who doesn't like cute baby pics?

Weight-21 pounds, 25 percentile
Height-29 inches, 75 percentile  (Still not sure this kid really has our DNA)
Favorite foods-yogurt, cheese, animal crackers,
Favorite activities-taking a bath, climbing, trying to hang off the oven door handle
Words-hmmm...sort of says Kenson and Mama
Talents-clapping on cue and putting his arms up when anyone says, "Reach for the sky!"

The Tyranny of Good

Parenting and family living are full of tyrants.  You might be thinking of the pint sized ones who rage over food choices and dictate everyone's sleep schedule but that's not exactly what I was thinking.  I was thinking of the passive aggressive ones, the tyrants who sneak into your house without you really even being aware, who you find yourselves in servitude to even though you don't really recall making a conscience choice to do so.

One of those tyrants seems to be connected to good.  It pops up when your daughter begs to do dance classes.  It appears again when your church starts a new program that promises to help your children become more spiritual.  It just continually resurfaces with fliers from school, Facebook posts from friends, and newspaper photos of the latest sports camp.  Our culture has created a smorgasbord of "good" opportunities and activities for families.  Each activity is somehow connected to a facet of child raising that we should be tapping into in order to raise well rounded, even Godly children.  Apparently, our kids should be taking piano lessons, acting in the community play, participating in at least one sports related activity, registering for robotics workshops, and attending our churches' weekly Bible club.

I hesitate to say that lest others think I am a big stick in the mud.  Those things are good things and really don't seem like tyrants.  But they are.  They are tyrants because they make parents make choices they would not ordinarily make.  They cause parents to abandon personal values connected to finances, time management, and childhood in general.  Instead parents feel guilty, as if they are depriving their child.  It seems like it is really hard for parents to say things like "No, we're not doing that activity because they practice twice a week and have a game once a week and that is too much of a time commitment for our family."  "No, we can't make a regular commitment to that activity because it interferes with our supper hour. (or our bedtime.)"  "No, we can't afford that activity."  "No, we can't afford that trip."  "No, we're not doing that because I don't like the values that coach or organization seems to stand for."  I say it seems that way because in my own personal experience, it has seemed really hard for me personally to say those things.

Our fear or guilt over depriving our child of amazing opportunities in childhood has meant that people keep their kids out way too late, eat supper via a plate of food carried out to the car, and spend the amount of money many people around the world make in an entire year on one activity for their child to participate in for 6 weeks.

The longer I have been a parent and the older my kids get, the more I realize how upstream I am swimming.  And it makes me frustrated because I am pretty sure I am no the only one who feels that way.  This week, I heard another parent describe a situation involving her small group at church that was considering pushing their meeting time until 9:30, on school nights, despite everyone in the group having elementary aged children.  She appeared to be the only one who had a problem with such a late dismissal time.  

This summer, the whole idea of swimming upstream smacked me in the face as my 7 year olds brought home the sign up sheets for summer tee ball/baseball/softball.  Apparently, our local park and recreation programming no longer sponsors tee ball, baseball or softball for anyone who is out of kindergarten.  The only option available is to join the club team.  Both D and I saw the sign up sheets at different times and we both had the same reactions.  The initial impression from the paperwork was that it would cost $145 per child to play for 6 weeks during the summer.  (After asking around a bit, I found out this wasn't quite accurate as $100 of that was a deposit that was refunded if you worked in the club's concession stand.)  For us, the initial impression was that it would cost us $300 since we have two kids.  (And we would also have to travel in two directions since one of our seven year olds would be playing softball and the other baseball.)  Deposit not withstanding, for girls to play softball, at age ten, the fees jump to $150 plus the refundable deposit.  None of that is particularly out of line for a club team.  But it just seems crazy that if you are wanting to introduce your child to a sport, that you should be shelling out such a significant amount of money.  It left me feeling like I was the only parent who thought the fees and immediate jump from tee ball to a traveling club baseball/softball was a bit much.

So what's the point?  Am I just ranting and then crawling into a bubble, where my kids are sheltered from the horrors of an American childhood?   I hope that isn't how this sounds.  Every family makes different choices, and if you are happy with the choices you're making about organized sports, music lessons and other creative outlets, and academic pursuits, then so be it.

But for those of you who do feel like you are swimming upstream, know you're not the only fish.  Let go of the guilt that you are ruining your child's high school or college football career.  (Because quite possibly, you're not.  Natural athletic talent is natural athletic talent, club sports or not.  As a soccer coach, my hubby always says the best way to increase your ability is just to play.  It doesn't matter where, whether it's shooting baskets in your driveway or playing football in the empty lot at the end of the street.  I have to agree.  The times when I grew the most in terms of athletic ability were the times when I just played a lot.)  It's okay if you don't have the money to buy your child 14 different dance costumes or hotel room for a club tournament.  Saying "No, we can't afford it" is a life lesson your kid needs to learn.  (Even if it feels brutal to say it as a parent.)  No one will think you are weird if you can't do a weekly activity because it dismisses hours after your child's bedtime.  (Okay, maybe people will.  But not me.  I completely understand.)  Just keep swimming.