The last 18 months or so have kicked our butts financially. Before Kenson came home, we were a two income family who essentially lived on one income. We had little debt not counting our mortage. We had a nice nest egg that was a portion of my mother in law's life insurance policy plus some savings we had accumulated. We also had enough extra to pay out of pocket for one master's degree and one and a half Haitian adoptions.
Since Kenson came home we have lost half of our monthly income as I stayed home. (A deliberate choice and one that is not so much about money as it is about being where God desires for me to be but one that does have financial consequences.) As I said before, we essentially lived on one income previously but we knew it would be tight if I stayed home. Once I felt like I was ready to head back to work part time, I worked a few months and we were blessed with Conleigh's surprise arrival so in the last 18 months or so I have maybe been able to work for about 5 months.
Last fall, we were lambasted by a bunch of bills. Plumbing bills, car repairs, then replacing our furnace. After another set of car repairs, we decided to replace my husband's aging pickup truck with a newer truck and lost a big chunk of our savings by doing so. As many of you know, for the last 16 months, we've also been trying to sell our house. We finally decided that our decrepit chimneys were not going to make it anymore and had them fixed last week as they were leaning and losing all sort of pieces of bricks and mortar. Our air conditioning has not been working either so we need to have someone come look at it and I have a non functional corn stove sitting in my living room because it needs repaired but I just haven't had the guts (or the money) to find out what's wrong and have it fixed.
Making repairs on a house you are trying to sell is not very much fun because as your asking prices lowers and then you have to make repairs, you feel like you are just watching your money sprint right out of your bank account. It's also been frustrating to feel like you can't refinance (which might help you save money) because of this "we might sell our house" issue. (ie is it worth the headache and time spent investigating it when it really might only affect us for a few months, also with any fees associated with a refinancing project, would we really even be able to save any money) And it's been frustrating to know that our commute results in money being lost as we pay extra in gas money.
The trip to pick up Conleigh was a completely unexpected expense in the sense that we thought we were at least a year away from such a date. It required airfare and hotels and a car rental plus eating expenses. Then Conleigh's orphanage decided to collect the remainder of the fees for her adoption which were originally supposed to be paid once your file exited IBESR. Which our file never did so we were not sure what type of monies would be requested. Add to that the cost of finalizing Conleigh's adoption stateside which I've been slowly chipping away at.
We've also started tackling Conleigh's sleep issues and had a few other health related issues so tack the doctor bills onto our already busted budget. Thankfully we have pretty decent insurance so we shouldn't have too much to pay.
I don't know really where I'm going with this. Actually maybe the better way to word it would be "I don't know where God is going with this." There's been a part of me that wonders if part of this has been about us feeling like we were in a very stable spot with our finances, especially due to having a nest egg, and that God has been reminding us that a great nest egg should not be a source of security and that He has been stripping that nest egg away. Part of me wonders if it's about remembering that God is the supplier of every need. Part of me wonders if it's about having to rest my anxieties in a God who will meet the needs we have and that He will help us define what are true needs.
I find finances to be one of those challenging areas of fellowship. The Bible commands us to share the burdens of others, including financial burdens. But when do you share your worries with others and when do you stay silent? When is it whining and when is it communciating a real need? And while I recognize that my needs may be an opportunity for someone else to serve God by blessing us with some type of gift, I then am faced with the conundrum that there are many people who don't view finances from this viewpoint and instead are offput or angry or indignant that someone who is not on their last dollar would even consider accepting help from others.
It's one of those things that is an almost daily part of my thought process: what's going on with our budget and what does God want us to do. And it's one of those things where I haven't yet gotten a strong sense of what it is God wants from me in the middle of this season of our lives. Ironically, one thing I have seen is God's provision for us. Last fall we were presented with an unusual offer from a family in our church to finance a home for us while we sold our current home. We did agree to do this, believing that we had enough in savings to float two payments for a year or so, believing that there was no way that our current house would still be on the market after that time frame. Since this was such and unusual circumstance, we weren't exactly sure what to do so we trusted that God would work the plan He had in mind for us and if this wasn't it, that He would protect us as we proceeded. And that He did. Our offer was not accepted by the seller and we did not end up with two payments. Obviously, all of the financial hard stuff came almost immediately after this offer fell through. And if we had been faced with all of those bills plus two payments with no sale of our current home despite the 12 month time frame coming and going, we would have really been in a stressful situation. And when we left to get Conleigh, we didn't even have a bed for her to sleep on. Church members took care of that. I also didn't have any clothes for her as I was not expecting her to be just barely 3. We received several large boxes of appropriately sized clothing shortly after her homecoming.
So at minimum, I see God at work in those things. But still, I'm looking for a bit more. Not sure what the Lord is up to, wishing I knew...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Small Victories
Oh, Mylanta! My daughter has hair!
Okay she's always had hair. But it's been at this kind of icky, in between stage where no protective styles like box braids, hanging twists, or cornrows looked very good. She just didn't seem to have enough hair to have little braids or twists that looked right. They always looked sickly. And it was so uneven that on almost every style, little hairs would start popping out almost as soon as I said I was done. Which means it starts looking ratty after a day or two.
So it's been lots of yarn braids and trying to encourage healthy hair by keeping it moisturized. I also did a pretty good trim a few months back trying to even things out a bit. It was sad because I knew it would mean that any additional length she had gained would probably be coming off.
But it's finally starting to pay off. This Wednesday I did her first "normal' hair style: hanging twists with flat twists across the front. Hanging twists are such an easy style but we've never been able to do it. You can still see that the hair around the base of her neck is a bit thin; the twists there are a little tiny and I had to wrap the elastics a lot to get them to stay on. But look at the ones on the top! Fat and chunky, just like they're supposed to be. We're now on day 3 and they're still looking good.
Okay she's always had hair. But it's been at this kind of icky, in between stage where no protective styles like box braids, hanging twists, or cornrows looked very good. She just didn't seem to have enough hair to have little braids or twists that looked right. They always looked sickly. And it was so uneven that on almost every style, little hairs would start popping out almost as soon as I said I was done. Which means it starts looking ratty after a day or two.
So it's been lots of yarn braids and trying to encourage healthy hair by keeping it moisturized. I also did a pretty good trim a few months back trying to even things out a bit. It was sad because I knew it would mean that any additional length she had gained would probably be coming off.
But it's finally starting to pay off. This Wednesday I did her first "normal' hair style: hanging twists with flat twists across the front. Hanging twists are such an easy style but we've never been able to do it. You can still see that the hair around the base of her neck is a bit thin; the twists there are a little tiny and I had to wrap the elastics a lot to get them to stay on. But look at the ones on the top! Fat and chunky, just like they're supposed to be. We're now on day 3 and they're still looking good.
It's a small victory but it's a good one!
Friday, October 8, 2010
West Dodge Road
Oh it is hard work to put the pieces together for a little heart, for a kiddo who isn't even sure what he feels or why he feels it. For me, it's not the talk part that's hard. It's the walk part. The walking beside these little bodies who look and act pretty normal most of the time but who still carry within them confusion and fear and sorrow.
It is so hard to watch little hearts be raw with those feelings.
My kids seem to be blessed in that they easily talk about it. (Compared to other kids who rarely talk but instead rage or distance themselves or completely insulate themselves from trust and love.)
Yesterday was one of those days. Of course it had to be while I was hurtling down a 6 lane road (West Dodge) in the middle of Omaha but isn't that just how life is?
We've had quite a few things lately that probably have coaxed out some of those feelings for Kenson.
Two days ago, we read the book, The Mulberry Bird, for the first time. It's a parable of adoption where a Mama bird has a baby bird but is all alone to raise the baby. A storm blows the baby out of it's nest in the trees and despite the Mama trying very hard to feed it and protect it, she finally decides she can't and makes a plan with Owl to bring the bird to a family of beach birds.
A caregiver of Conleigh's Skyped with us on Wednesday. Both kids were excited and Kenson wanted to be in the thick of things even though he doesn't know Lori. But after the call ended, he immediately asked to talk to Mama Juislene, his Haiti Mama. We of course are not able to do that. We don't even know if she survived the earthquake.
Then yesterday we went to Omaha for a doctor's appointment. Dr. DeLair happens to be Haitian and speaks fluent Creole which she was happy to try out on my kids. At the appointment, I thought Kenson was acting funny, like maybe all the Haiti conversation/Creole was bothering him. He was a bit clingy and kind of whiney. Once we got in the car, as soon as I turned off of 84th and onto Dodge, he started crying about some very small thing. I asked if he was tired but then rethought and said "Are you tired or are you having some big feelings about Haiti?' He quickly said "About Mama Juislene." His eyes were full of tears, not the frustrated, I'm 4 and I'm cranky tears but the sad, sorrowful, from the depths of my soul kind. Not sobbing and carrying on for all the world to see tears, but an instant welling of a few singular tears. So I reminded him of the story we read earlier about the Mama bird from the mulberry tree. And he replied that he was the little bird. Oh it's so hard to hear him say that, to watch as he slowly recognizes the gravity of the events of his life. So on we went, hurtling down Dodge, with me gently bringing up keep parts of the story. That sometimes Mamas are all alone. That sometimes Mamas try very hard to feed their babies and to keep their babies warm but that sometimes Mamas just can't. That sometimes Mamas love their babies so much they decide to put their babies in places where they can have food everyday and be safe. Kenson was quick to repeat several times "She tried? She tried?" Then it was on to how God was a part of all of that. From when Kenson was a baby inside his Mama Juislene to when Mama Juislene was trying to take care of him to when Kenson was in the orphanage to when he came to our house, that God had a plan, a good plan full of hope.
While I believe that is the one hope that will not disappoint, my kids have to choose to embrace that hope. And as they piece together all that has happened in their lives, it is my job to offer that hope along with my tears over how we have been blessed by the losses of my kids and their first families.
It is so hard to watch little hearts be raw with those feelings.
My kids seem to be blessed in that they easily talk about it. (Compared to other kids who rarely talk but instead rage or distance themselves or completely insulate themselves from trust and love.)
Yesterday was one of those days. Of course it had to be while I was hurtling down a 6 lane road (West Dodge) in the middle of Omaha but isn't that just how life is?
We've had quite a few things lately that probably have coaxed out some of those feelings for Kenson.
Two days ago, we read the book, The Mulberry Bird, for the first time. It's a parable of adoption where a Mama bird has a baby bird but is all alone to raise the baby. A storm blows the baby out of it's nest in the trees and despite the Mama trying very hard to feed it and protect it, she finally decides she can't and makes a plan with Owl to bring the bird to a family of beach birds.
A caregiver of Conleigh's Skyped with us on Wednesday. Both kids were excited and Kenson wanted to be in the thick of things even though he doesn't know Lori. But after the call ended, he immediately asked to talk to Mama Juislene, his Haiti Mama. We of course are not able to do that. We don't even know if she survived the earthquake.
Then yesterday we went to Omaha for a doctor's appointment. Dr. DeLair happens to be Haitian and speaks fluent Creole which she was happy to try out on my kids. At the appointment, I thought Kenson was acting funny, like maybe all the Haiti conversation/Creole was bothering him. He was a bit clingy and kind of whiney. Once we got in the car, as soon as I turned off of 84th and onto Dodge, he started crying about some very small thing. I asked if he was tired but then rethought and said "Are you tired or are you having some big feelings about Haiti?' He quickly said "About Mama Juislene." His eyes were full of tears, not the frustrated, I'm 4 and I'm cranky tears but the sad, sorrowful, from the depths of my soul kind. Not sobbing and carrying on for all the world to see tears, but an instant welling of a few singular tears. So I reminded him of the story we read earlier about the Mama bird from the mulberry tree. And he replied that he was the little bird. Oh it's so hard to hear him say that, to watch as he slowly recognizes the gravity of the events of his life. So on we went, hurtling down Dodge, with me gently bringing up keep parts of the story. That sometimes Mamas are all alone. That sometimes Mamas try very hard to feed their babies and to keep their babies warm but that sometimes Mamas just can't. That sometimes Mamas love their babies so much they decide to put their babies in places where they can have food everyday and be safe. Kenson was quick to repeat several times "She tried? She tried?" Then it was on to how God was a part of all of that. From when Kenson was a baby inside his Mama Juislene to when Mama Juislene was trying to take care of him to when Kenson was in the orphanage to when he came to our house, that God had a plan, a good plan full of hope.
While I believe that is the one hope that will not disappoint, my kids have to choose to embrace that hope. And as they piece together all that has happened in their lives, it is my job to offer that hope along with my tears over how we have been blessed by the losses of my kids and their first families.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Pumpkins and Apples
We visited the orchard/pumpkin patch last weekend. I didn't get as many apples as I would have liked but having two kids to look after makes it harder than with one. (I know, what a revelation!) Still the kids were thrilled. Conleigh was so excited she could hardly contain herself. She basically ran ahead of us the whole time, anxious to see what was next. They both picked a really small pumpkin which completely cracks me up. I guess there's something appealing about a pumpkin that's just your size. And Kenson cannot say pumpkin to save his life. It's pumpquin. And so very cute...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
At least we know the definition of tattling...
Today, I was in the kitchen and the kids were playing in the living room. There was some scuffle, some griping and then Kenson yelling into me, "Mom! Conleigh did such and such...and I'm tattling!"
The Fellowship of Motherhood-The Cuteness Factor
Proverbs 31 is one of those sections of Scripture that is often lofted about as what an ideal women looks like. It brings to mind a long list of things that women can do to be seen by others in a positive light, often in a way that makes others gush about how "cute" something is that another women has done. (Why women do this, I don't know. You will never hear men doing anything like this. But then again, most men don't gush over much of anything.)
For example, my kids are cute. I hear it all the time. And I certainly try to add to their cuteness in little ways. Like sweater vests for Kenson with coordinating plaid shirts. Or billowy dresses with vividly patterned tights for Conleigh. Is it really necessary? Um, no. I just like to do it. It's one of the perks of motherhood.
There are lots of things like that. Things that really don't matter too much in the grand scheme of eternity but are things that are important to us as moms, that make us feel good and are probably more about our own likes and dislikes than anything else. And of course, because it's often a matter of personal preference, these things represent opportunities for women to form opinions. Here's my list of thing that have a certain "cuteness" about them:
Children's names-No one wants to pick a name that is perceived as a monstrosity. But everyone has preferences about what name they like, how they pick name, and what name go together. It's easy to apply your own opinion to what names you like and don't like. But really is it needed? Regardless of if it's Clementine or Clara, Charissa, or Catherine, I don't think anyone needs to know my opinion on what so and so named their child. Yet I feel obliged to evalute their choice based on the "cuteness factor". Why?
Home decor-I'm guessing as I write this you can pretty quickly identify a decorating style that sums up your home. It might be primitive. It might be clean and simple. It might be classic and floral. Or it might be "whatever." As in "whatever I was given and has managed to make it's way onto the walls or into the rooms." We choose to decorate our homes in ways that make us feel comfortable and cozy. For some people this means a house straight out of Martha Stewart Living. For some this means a house that is more like the bungelow featured on the tv series Roseanne-a bit outdated and mismatched. Either way, it's easy to evaluate yourself based on the cuteness factor. What it really creates is a rat race where you strive to keep up with the fictional Jones whose home is just one step above your own. You land in a state of constant discontent.
Personal clothing choices-Think for a moment about what your children last left the house in...A flourescent pink shirt with orange and white striped shorts complete with a pair of too big snowboots? Maybe a nice button down polo (in fall colors of course) with a pair of corduroys and brown leather shoes. Maybe something that was on backwards. Or maybe something stained. Or maybe a great dress with coordinating tights and a very cute hair bow. In very broad terms, how we dress our kids comes off as an extension of us and our parenting style. I am a flexible structure type gal. It's about 50% mom/dad choice and 50% kid choice when it comes to what they wear. We started by letting the kids pick either their shirt or their pants and then one of us picked the other half of the outfit. Now our kids pretty much pick all of the outfit with a little suggestion here or there from one of us. Backwards or stained is fine for the grocery store or the library but if we're going to church or school, I ask them to change. Shoes I'm a bit more picky about. Around the house, wear whatever you want. But I don't want shoes becoming a destraction from life (and a pain in the butt for me) once we leave so no snowboots out of season, no too big cowboy boots (unless we're at the rodeo), etc.. Am I the mom whose kids look like they just stepped ouf a disply window at the mall? Sometimes. Am I the mom whose kids might look a little rag tag? Sometimes. But I'm happy with the way my kids dress and that's what really matters.
The ability to sew, bake, or do other Homemecky Becky tasks-Yes, I can do a lot of things that fit under this catagory. But that's because I was encouraged to do those things by my family so that I might be able to be a "homemaker" (or at least know enough to fake it). I also like to do a lot of those things. Baking homemade goodies, sewing a skirt for Conleigh, scrapbooking our life story...I enjoy it. To some degree, I enjoy it. But there is also this inner compulsion in me to do things that are "cute." I never sent out an adoption announcement for Kenson because I didn't want to send out a plain announcement from Walmart where I filled in information with a pen. I wanted to create my own and have it be "cute." I have a hard time taking a boxed food to a potluck or as a treat for school; instead I want to take something homemade that reflects my ability to cook and cook creatively. The truth is I'm sure there are women like me who complicate their lives by simply having to be the "overachiever". And I'm sure there are a lot of women who don't enjoy any of those tasks at all.
I think what I've seen is that Proverbs 31 becomes a measuring stick of sorts, where women often find themselves trying to present a nonauthentic self in order to preserve the "cuteness factor." It gets put out there as a directive to be a gourmet chef, be a great steward of resources, sew and be crafty, homeschool or teach others, and to be an entrepeneur. I'm pretty sure that's not what God intended that chapter to be about. God knows how these skills might benefit a familly and how a woman who can do these things can encourage her family through these things. But no where are these things given as commands, as direct instructions from the Lord for a woman to do every single one of these things. And this business of maintaining the "cuteness factor" also disregards the spiritual truth behind spiritual gifts which is that we all have been given different gifts, just as a body as many parts so the Church has many gifts.
Proverbs 31 also has some often overlooked verses. "She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks" extolls the virtue of a strong work ethic with no specific tasks highlighted. "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." reminds me of the value of being a woman who thinks before she speaks so that her words may be wise and not just words uttered simply for the sake of adding to the conversation. And there are more verses along those veins, hidden in chapter 31 among the more familiar ones about weaving cloth and preparing food.
A while back my friend Heather said something that resounded with me. We were sitting in a small group made up of women and she said something along the lines of "If it it you to dress your children in cute matchy matchy clothes, then do it. If it is you to decorate your home beautiful coordinated paints and fabrics, then do it. And if it's you to dress your kids in jeans and t shirts every day, do it. If it's you for the walls of your home to be essentially the same as when you moved in ten years ago, then do it. Be who you are and be okay with it." (Heather, if you're reading this, I'm sure that was not exactly what you said. But it was something along those lines of how important it is to be who God created us to be, the "cuteness factor" aside.) What a beautiful simple truth...be who we are.
For example, my kids are cute. I hear it all the time. And I certainly try to add to their cuteness in little ways. Like sweater vests for Kenson with coordinating plaid shirts. Or billowy dresses with vividly patterned tights for Conleigh. Is it really necessary? Um, no. I just like to do it. It's one of the perks of motherhood.
There are lots of things like that. Things that really don't matter too much in the grand scheme of eternity but are things that are important to us as moms, that make us feel good and are probably more about our own likes and dislikes than anything else. And of course, because it's often a matter of personal preference, these things represent opportunities for women to form opinions. Here's my list of thing that have a certain "cuteness" about them:
Children's names-No one wants to pick a name that is perceived as a monstrosity. But everyone has preferences about what name they like, how they pick name, and what name go together. It's easy to apply your own opinion to what names you like and don't like. But really is it needed? Regardless of if it's Clementine or Clara, Charissa, or Catherine, I don't think anyone needs to know my opinion on what so and so named their child. Yet I feel obliged to evalute their choice based on the "cuteness factor". Why?
Home decor-I'm guessing as I write this you can pretty quickly identify a decorating style that sums up your home. It might be primitive. It might be clean and simple. It might be classic and floral. Or it might be "whatever." As in "whatever I was given and has managed to make it's way onto the walls or into the rooms." We choose to decorate our homes in ways that make us feel comfortable and cozy. For some people this means a house straight out of Martha Stewart Living. For some this means a house that is more like the bungelow featured on the tv series Roseanne-a bit outdated and mismatched. Either way, it's easy to evaluate yourself based on the cuteness factor. What it really creates is a rat race where you strive to keep up with the fictional Jones whose home is just one step above your own. You land in a state of constant discontent.
Personal clothing choices-Think for a moment about what your children last left the house in...A flourescent pink shirt with orange and white striped shorts complete with a pair of too big snowboots? Maybe a nice button down polo (in fall colors of course) with a pair of corduroys and brown leather shoes. Maybe something that was on backwards. Or maybe something stained. Or maybe a great dress with coordinating tights and a very cute hair bow. In very broad terms, how we dress our kids comes off as an extension of us and our parenting style. I am a flexible structure type gal. It's about 50% mom/dad choice and 50% kid choice when it comes to what they wear. We started by letting the kids pick either their shirt or their pants and then one of us picked the other half of the outfit. Now our kids pretty much pick all of the outfit with a little suggestion here or there from one of us. Backwards or stained is fine for the grocery store or the library but if we're going to church or school, I ask them to change. Shoes I'm a bit more picky about. Around the house, wear whatever you want. But I don't want shoes becoming a destraction from life (and a pain in the butt for me) once we leave so no snowboots out of season, no too big cowboy boots (unless we're at the rodeo), etc.. Am I the mom whose kids look like they just stepped ouf a disply window at the mall? Sometimes. Am I the mom whose kids might look a little rag tag? Sometimes. But I'm happy with the way my kids dress and that's what really matters.
The ability to sew, bake, or do other Homemecky Becky tasks-Yes, I can do a lot of things that fit under this catagory. But that's because I was encouraged to do those things by my family so that I might be able to be a "homemaker" (or at least know enough to fake it). I also like to do a lot of those things. Baking homemade goodies, sewing a skirt for Conleigh, scrapbooking our life story...I enjoy it. To some degree, I enjoy it. But there is also this inner compulsion in me to do things that are "cute." I never sent out an adoption announcement for Kenson because I didn't want to send out a plain announcement from Walmart where I filled in information with a pen. I wanted to create my own and have it be "cute." I have a hard time taking a boxed food to a potluck or as a treat for school; instead I want to take something homemade that reflects my ability to cook and cook creatively. The truth is I'm sure there are women like me who complicate their lives by simply having to be the "overachiever". And I'm sure there are a lot of women who don't enjoy any of those tasks at all.
I think what I've seen is that Proverbs 31 becomes a measuring stick of sorts, where women often find themselves trying to present a nonauthentic self in order to preserve the "cuteness factor." It gets put out there as a directive to be a gourmet chef, be a great steward of resources, sew and be crafty, homeschool or teach others, and to be an entrepeneur. I'm pretty sure that's not what God intended that chapter to be about. God knows how these skills might benefit a familly and how a woman who can do these things can encourage her family through these things. But no where are these things given as commands, as direct instructions from the Lord for a woman to do every single one of these things. And this business of maintaining the "cuteness factor" also disregards the spiritual truth behind spiritual gifts which is that we all have been given different gifts, just as a body as many parts so the Church has many gifts.
Proverbs 31 also has some often overlooked verses. "She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks" extolls the virtue of a strong work ethic with no specific tasks highlighted. "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." reminds me of the value of being a woman who thinks before she speaks so that her words may be wise and not just words uttered simply for the sake of adding to the conversation. And there are more verses along those veins, hidden in chapter 31 among the more familiar ones about weaving cloth and preparing food.
A while back my friend Heather said something that resounded with me. We were sitting in a small group made up of women and she said something along the lines of "If it it you to dress your children in cute matchy matchy clothes, then do it. If it is you to decorate your home beautiful coordinated paints and fabrics, then do it. And if it's you to dress your kids in jeans and t shirts every day, do it. If it's you for the walls of your home to be essentially the same as when you moved in ten years ago, then do it. Be who you are and be okay with it." (Heather, if you're reading this, I'm sure that was not exactly what you said. But it was something along those lines of how important it is to be who God created us to be, the "cuteness factor" aside.) What a beautiful simple truth...be who we are.
Friday, October 1, 2010
God and Me-Ebb and Flow
Lately I have found myself frustrated over the ebb and flow how I spend my time with my God. A week and a half ago, I found myself starting my day with the words, "Still before the Lord, before the throne of God I fall...I fall prostrated and low, humbled and ready." And it seemed as if, for that day, I was not just stuck in my rut of "do my quiet time and cross it off the list." It seemed like my day was full of God, like me and Him where thick as thieves and bossom buddies. It was relaxing and refreshing.
Then Tuesday hit and I managed to miss God altogether. Same with Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. How is it that I can go from moments of spiritual clarity and true worship to moments of deliberately avoiding spending the time I need to with the Lord. I'm not saying that I didn't think about spiritual things at all. Obviously, it is not having a set quiet time that brings you into a state of worship. Just that when it came time to focus or to sacrifice my time to do things that might have drawn me closer to God, I chose not to. I'd like to blame my kids or my lack of sleep or my busy schedule. But the reality it it's not that-it's me. Why is it feast or famine?
Just thankful for a God who sees that in me but loves me anyway...
I wrote the above words Thursday night. And funnily enough, this morning (Friday) as I was doing my quiet time from My Utmost for His Highest, these were the words, "We have all had times on the mount, when we have seen things from God's standpoint and have wanted to stay there, but God will never allow us to stay there. The test of our spiritual life is the power to descend. It is a great thing to be on the mount with God but a man only gets there in order that afterwards he may get down among the devil-possessed and lift them up. We are not built for mountians...those are for moments of inspiration, that is all. We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle." Such true words about how we cannot be consumed by spiritual ideals and instead must be practical and come down to earth a bit and actually live life.
Then Tuesday hit and I managed to miss God altogether. Same with Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. How is it that I can go from moments of spiritual clarity and true worship to moments of deliberately avoiding spending the time I need to with the Lord. I'm not saying that I didn't think about spiritual things at all. Obviously, it is not having a set quiet time that brings you into a state of worship. Just that when it came time to focus or to sacrifice my time to do things that might have drawn me closer to God, I chose not to. I'd like to blame my kids or my lack of sleep or my busy schedule. But the reality it it's not that-it's me. Why is it feast or famine?
Just thankful for a God who sees that in me but loves me anyway...
I wrote the above words Thursday night. And funnily enough, this morning (Friday) as I was doing my quiet time from My Utmost for His Highest, these were the words, "We have all had times on the mount, when we have seen things from God's standpoint and have wanted to stay there, but God will never allow us to stay there. The test of our spiritual life is the power to descend. It is a great thing to be on the mount with God but a man only gets there in order that afterwards he may get down among the devil-possessed and lift them up. We are not built for mountians...those are for moments of inspiration, that is all. We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle." Such true words about how we cannot be consumed by spiritual ideals and instead must be practical and come down to earth a bit and actually live life.
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