Preparing for toddler adoption-our hearts

Over the last few months and weeks, D and I have spent time talking about this next chapter of our life, our life as parents. And how does one prepare for these things? We buy cribs or beds. We purchase new clothes. We read up on developmental milestones. We look for bath toys and install car seats. And you try to prepare your heart.

When we did our foster experience, I can honestly say I was ill prepared. I thought the discipline would be the hard part. I was so wrong. D and I both struggled with missing our old life, with dealing with a child's grief, with having a child who saw us as her babysitter. We struggled with feeling discombulated because we were so used to doing everything together and being on the same page and we couldn't do that with this little girl. D couldn't help with bathtime because it seemed inappropriate. D could be involved in minimal ways with bedtime but when the tears came and the fear came, it had to be me and only me who laid with her and held her. We felt like we weren't a team. We both felt uncomfortable and out of sync. Because it was an emergency short term placement, I didn't take any time off of work. I struggled to balance everything. And then we felt guilty for feeling this way about a little girl who was scared and confused. No one told us to expect those feelings and no one told us that was normal.

I hope that we will be better prepared for our transition with Kenson. We know, in some ways, what our hearts might feel. We know that we aren't the only people to feel that way. I've gotten there by hearing other adoptive families tell about their feelings. I've gotten there by reading lots of books. I've gotten there by trying to use our foster care experience as a learning one, as an opportunity to see the flaws in my parenting, as a way to see how D parents, as a way to see how we as a couple will need to adjust and readjust to all the changes.

We have been blessed along these last 2 years to watch many children come home to their families. The families who have been brave enough to write honestly about their transitions have been so helpful to me. It has allowed me to give myself permission to not have a perfect family. It has allowed me to give myself permission to not like the new person in my house at all times. It has allowed me to give myself permission to feel discouraged and disappointed and disgruntled.

I've also read a lot of books on attachment, adoption, and parents. (Those of you who are experienced parents, quit laughing!) I am not naive. I don't believe books have all the answers. But they have allowed me to consider new perspectives. Some books have provided me with ideas of things I might be able to try. Some books have solidified in me what it looks like to parent in a Godly way. And some books have just been full of hooey! But by reading and evaluating ideas, your brain is actually performing at a very high cognitive level. It stretches and grows. At the time we had L with us, we were not sure what age of a child might possibly be joing us. And so many of the books out there seemed age specific. So I really hadn't read anything asI was waiting until I knew more about our situation. Stay tuned for a list of books I read with a few comments about each one in another post.

Lastly, I know I've learned a lot since we had L in our home. I saw my own flaws. I saw D's flaws. I saw things I could do differently to be a better helpmate. This reflection always puts me right back at God's feet, wanting to know what to do or asking for help with a specific thing. As we floundered through our foster placement, I ended it feeling like a huge failure, like I had contributed to the problem of multiple foster placements. I didn't even want to think about adoption or starting a family for at least 3 months after that experience. But God worked to teach me how that experience, even though painful and not easy, was a good one that will benefit us in the future.

So hopefully our hearts are as ready as they will get. I know we're really not ready because I don't think you are ever truly ready for most life changing events. But that's okay. We can be moderately prepared and then make up the rest as we go. Isn't that what parenting really is all about anyway?