God and Me-Inside my brain

Today and yesterday have been crazy whirlwind days as we prepare for our trip. Days where I have woken up before the alarm. Days where I have eaten at really weird times. Days where I have felt like I have been constantly moving, because I have no attention span. And oddly enough, at church today, I was told multiple times that I appeared calm. Ummm...if only they could crawl inside my cranium.

My natural tendancies gravitate towards neurotic, controlling, anxious behavior. As I was revealing this to a close friend of mine, Ann, she said something to the effect of me appearing to be a faith filled, adventurous person. Ann also said that she had really noticed worrying and anxiety coming out in me the last month or so in my emails and that at one point, she wanted to send one of my emails back to me with something about how I had just received good news but instead was focusing on the negative and being consumed by that. I wish she would have.

I know that those tendancies are not godly ones but ones that are rooted in my belief that my plans and my thoughts are better than God's. Oh, how I know that! But convincing myself to live like I believe that is a totally different thing. I like order. I like plans. I like time lines. I like schedules. I like all of those things especially if they are orchestrated by me. But the minute something gets out of whack, I dig my heels in and throw up my hands in despair. It is then that the tendancies I do so well at hiding, rise out of the fallow soil of my heart and begin to become full grown sin. Today, I was reminded of that. My friend, Ann, said it to me. My friend, Lisa, who knows my struggles with this asked how I was doing with it. Our minister preached on how the condition of our heart affects the posture of our hands: open to serve and give or closed for self preservation.

The real deal is we don't have all the details of our upcoming trip hashed out. That makes me crazy. We don't have a printed visa. We are lacking some transportation. But God has reminded me today that thus far, He has filled my life with Ebenezers. He has continually placed before me mile markers of His faithfulness along the way that point to the truth that thus far, He has helped us. And I know that regardless of what plans have been made or not made, He will continue to be faithful and that my faith often boils down to just one simple challenge: "Do you trust Me?" I need to just answer "Yes."