Living the American Dream?

I think one of the most complex adoption issues for me as an adoptive parent is battling the deluge of thoughts that come with thinking about my child's past life, his present life here, and the what ifs of what his life might look like if he were still in Haiti. It is terribly hard for me to imagine my child living in Haiti.

While I know there is good in Haiti, my mind automatically focuses on the negatives. I see the lack of health care, the lack of schooling, the existance of substandard housing and sanitation, and can't help but be thankful my child will be free from that. I can vividly picture the naked toddlers standing beside their brightly painted tin and concrete huts, feet covered in chalky dirt. I can't help but notice the one dark electrical wire servicing a bare bulb inside of that house, the lack of running water, the lack of a proper toliet. And I can't help but see the old men who probably aren't nearly as old as they look, leaning on some ancient piece of farm equipment, trying to break the soil with mules, grinning toothless smiles and waving calloused hands. These men certainly mirror what my child would have probably become. And again, I can't help but feel grateful that my child will probably avoid these hardships.

To some degree, I struggle with that gratitude. It's not that I don't believe those things, because I do. But believing those things can also mean that I don't value the way Kenson's Haitian family would have raised him, perhaps that I am a bit too proud of my American life. I don't want to be that person, the one who believes I'm a better mom just because I have more resources at my disposal, that my child will live a better life just because he lives here. It's just so hard to not get caught up in the negativity of it all.

When I see Kenson standing on our lush grass (okay grass and weeds), kicking the soccer ball with D, I can't help but think how there isn't any grass to even stand on in PAP, let alone some to kick a ball in. And when I see Kenson jamming out to The Wiggles, smacking the bejebbers out of a container he is using for a drum, I can't help but think how if he were in PAP, he might not even have electricity in his house let alone a television and a children's movie. And seeing him take advantage of all the opportunities we have in American like public swimming pools and parks makes me think how if he were still in Haiti, he would never giggle with joy as he stood under the umbrella sprayer at the pool or asked for more as he slid down the slide.

Hard stuff to think about. Another adoptive mom recently posted on this too. I had written this post and left it in my draft file but reading her post made me want to get this post up and running. Heather has a great poem about the "What Ifs." She also had a wonderful link to some beautiful Haiti pictures, from Cite Soliel, one of the worst areas to live in the entire world. Photos by Jan Sochor

Cite Soliel is an area of Port Au Prince, not where Kenson or Conleigh was born but definitely not the far removed. There are also more photos of Haiti here, by the same artists. You might have to scroll through the different photo essays to find the Haitian ones. These photos do wonderful job capturing poverty and beauty, hopelessness and hope. They also capture just about everything I have seen while traveling in Haiti.

Haiti January 2009-Back in the US

Saturday meant leaving Haiti and heading to Miami. We decided when we booked our tickets to not head back in one day. It's doable but you have to make two connecting flights and you get into Omaha really late at night. So we overnighted at the Airport Hotel in Miami. (Convenient but I personally felt way overpriced. We stayed in much nicer places for much less. The bathroom was a bit uhh and we only got two towels in our room. Just kind of blaise.) The hotel did get to be the site of Kenson's first major melt down and we weren't asked to leave despite the 30 minutes or so of blood curdling screaming and crying so perhaps I shouldn't judge it so harshly. Sunday was our heading home day. On all the flights, Kenson did wonderfully. His ears didn't bother him. He played with the Magna Doodle, enjoyed his snacks, and slept.

Several people met us at the airport. My parents, my brother, my grandma, and my cousin, Alissa, were there. Our small group from church also came to see us. Kenson clammed right up as one might expect. Thankfully, he handled the car seat well and survived the fairly lengthly drive to our house with no tears. My family stopped back at our house before they headed out. Again, Kenson was totally shell shocked. We knew that he would be. But we intentionally wanted his homecoming to be a joyful celebration, a time that would be marked with pictures and family and friends. I pray he will remember or be reminded by the pictures of how excited people were to see him and how many people said things like "We've prayed for you for a long time."


And that is that. Our little girl is still in Haiti. Kenson's birth family is still in Haiti. Some wonderful ministries are still in Haiti. And we're here. May we keep connected to that place and be aware of God at work there.

Haiti Trip January 2009-Port Au Prince

We rode back to PAP with a driver from Haiti Children's Home. We had decided to eat lunch at Visa Lodge and then hire a driver to take us to For His Glory to pick up Kenson and then on to Eagle Supermarket where we met a missionary family who was hosting us for the night. That meant we had several connections we had to make on our own without any help from a specific organization. D was quite worried about it. He always feels like he is responsible for our safety when in Haiti and not having a set plan makes him a bit leary.

We initially tried to call the driver that we had planned to use but kept getting hung up on. So I asked the desk clerk if she knew of a driver who could take us. While she was working on that, the driver who we were originally going to hire called us back so we ended up going with him to pick up Kenson. We had the address of the orphanage and the name but those of you who have been to Haiti know that isn't always sufficient information. The driver wasn't sure of where we were going and as we were driving was telling us how the house numbers don't match up on the streets in Haiti. For example, number 34 is across the street from 89. "That is where the confusion is, " he said. Eventually, things started looking familar to us and we got to the right place. (We weren't really lost just not 100% sure of where we were going. Enough to make D a bit crazy but that's okay. He didn't have far to go to get there.)

At the orphanage, Kenson's birth mom was waiting for us. We asked her to wait while we unloaded some donations and ran and took pictures of the rest of the kids for the families who are still waiting. Then we came back to visit with her. When we came back, she was sitting on the wicker sofa, putting lipstick on. That might sound a little strange in a place like Haiti but it's really a sign of respect. She wanted to look her best for us, to impress us, if she could. We sat with her for an hour or so and then said we needed to go. We got in the van with Kenson and she stood next to the window and waved good bye to him. It all defies words. It is such a weirdly wonderful awkward thing.

Then we headed to Eagle Supermarket to make connections with a missionary family from my hometown who had volunteered to host us in their home for our last night in Haiti. Connections made, no problems. (One more worry to cross off D's list.) Our host family was wonderful. We got to enjoy a hot shower, an American meal, tv, and a comfortable cooled home. They also arranged a driver to take us to the airport the next morning. We got to have our own space but also be hosted and catered to in some ways. Very nice.

Haiti Trip January 2009-Haiti Children's Home

Things have been crazy here so I haven't really had time to process our time in Haiti. I always have a hard time sorting out my thoughts when we come back. It's such a foreign land in so many ways. There are things that amaze me about Haiti and things I despise about it. When we go, I am always reminded that God doesn't want me living there. This place I'm in right now is where I'm supposed to be. But Haiti and the people who live there rattle around in my head with a million thoughts. Writing about it seems to help with the rattling and emotions.

This time in Haiti I was ready to be done before it was time to be done. I think that was mostly due to the fact that while we were at Haiti Children' Home, we were dealing with the anticipation of picking up Kenson.

We spent 3 days with Conleigh before traveling into Port Au Prince to pick up Kenson. Our days at HCH with Conleigh were good. We were only there a short time so it didn't feel like we got much accomplished. It felt a bit like we were lacking a purpose because we knew our time was limited and not really good for accomplishing a big project. We did do a quick handprint heart craft with the big kids. And I sat in on school there for a short time to see if I could give Minnie, the teacher, any ideas.

HCH photos

If you're a HCH parent, here's a link to the photos we took last week. I'm sure we missed kids but I thought we got everyone.

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=kayder1996&target=ALBUM&id=5296077800117322033&authkey=q6dq4swCpVs&invite=CKLKhccP&feat=email

FHG photos

For all you For His Glory parents out there, here is the link to find the photos we took of the orphanage last week. We tried to get everyone but I know we missed kids. Everyone was eating lunch when we arrived. The big kids know are eating in the rooms that were built above the sleeping quarters. Having the big kids eat up there really made for a lot less traffic in and out of the main building. Some of the big kids were being really silly and acting like they didn't want their pictures taken. So if your kiddo has a goofy look on their face, that's why. The baby rooms were a bit hard as D followed me in and scared them all with his white man's face. So I know we didn't do a good job of getting photos in there because all the kids were screaming and crying. The toddler room was getting baths when D went in. It was still a crazy place but the nannies made all the kids sit down for pictures so it was a bit easier than it has been in the past to get photos.

http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/sredir?uname=kayder1996&target=ALBUM&id=5296415545267996257&authkey=GMC49QW8wsw&invite=CK_Pqq8G&feat=email

Sleepy parents, sleepy baby

We made it back into PAP today. We had a crazy long day. We left Mirebalais around 10 this morning for our dusty, bumpy, 2 hour drive into Port. We got dropped off at Visa Lodge and ate lunch there. (I had goat; D did not.) We then had to call a driver to take us to Kenson's orphanage to pick up Kenson. Kenson's bio mom was there so we stayed and visited with her. Then we got our paperwork together and got ready for the van ride to a supermarket to meet the family who we are staying with tonight. What a blessing they have been to us. We have been able to sit down and relax in a setting that is basically just like an American home. Not a hotel, not a Haitian hotel with cold showers and cramped quarters. Kenson has done just fine so far. He has had kind of a dazed look but has gone to both D and I with no tears. He did not care for the spaghetti sauce or green beans at supper but at spaghetti noodles and some chocolate ice cream. After a bottle, he conked out right away. What a lovely sleeping baby! And hopefully that wil be followed by two sleeping parents. It's really eary but we both are exhausted. So perhaps we'll be asleep before 8 o clock Haitian time.

Random pics

PAP street

Derek and Conleigh on Day 1. That's about as close as she was getting to him

A tap tap in PAP-A tap tap is a Haitian taxi. They can be a converted bus or pick up truck. They are called tap taps because you tap to get off. Usually, they are packed full of people sitting shoulder to shoulder, knee to knee. On the bus versions, people ride on the luggage racks on top of the buses.

Live, from Haiti, it's Wednesday night!

As I write this, I am typing one handed as a baby sits on my lap and the orphanage staff/family prepare our supper. Conleigh is downstairs singing and doing their bedtime routine. The last few days have been exhuasting with little sleep, many concerns, and lots of little hands. But it's a good thing. We arrived in PAP with no problems and headed to Conleigh's orphanage. She spent most of yesterday being standoffish and stubbornly refusing to have anything to do with D or I. Today, after some bribing with food, she was much better and wanted to hang around the lady who was willing to carry her everywhere.

Kenson's visa was not printed yesterday as the Embassy had said. Apparently, there was a problem with the printer. But today, we received an email from the Embassy saying the visa had been printed and that our processor should come by and pick it up. So printed it is!

Orphanage Experiences-Part Four

Overall, seeing where your children live and breathe is so beneficial. It connects me to them. In some ways, it gives me a glimpse into the heartache and sorrow that have already been a part of their lives. It also shows me that they are being loved. It is hopefully the place where the healing of their hearts began. It reminds me that as much as an orphanage tries, it is not a family and will not be able to replace that one on one, you're my special someone feeling that families should share. It has given me the chance to have a Haitian nanny tell me in the little English that she knows, that she loves me just because I love my son and her country. It has let me serve God by bathing, diapering, hugging, and holding children who may look nothing like me but are still my brothers and sisters because they all carry parts of Him in their DNA. It has made me press on at times when I really wanted to not have the pull of hands eager to braid my hair, when I really wanted to not sit down because I knew my lap would be the landing place for three or four kids, when I really wanted to find an air conditioner and stop sweating. I am so thankful for the experiences I have had in orphanages. I love orphanages because of the resilence you find in their walls, yet I hate them because of the unmet needs they represent. I am always amazed at how faith and hopelessness, how praise and poverty can intersect in such a place.

Orphanage Experiences-Part Three, Differences

There are some differences between the two orphanages we visited, but I would say most of these differences are policy related. Haiti Children’s Home allows parents to visit whenever they would like but does not allow the children to go the hotel with their parents. For His Glory restricts visits to planned trips and encourages parents and children to spend time together overnight at the hotel. Haiti Children’s Home is run by Americans who provide oversight and process adoptions as well as care for children. It utilizes Haitian cooks, drivers, groundskeepers and nannies. There are many American and Canadian volunteers who come and go for short term trips. For His Glory is actually not an orphanage; it is an American run adoption facilitator who does not actually place children for adoption as an agency would. It only matches families to children by maintaining a relationship with the orphanage, Maison de Enfants de Deiu. For His Glory is run by Americans; the orphanage is run completely by Haitians who process adoptions, teach school, cook, do laundry, provide security, and act as nannies. Haiti Children’s Home has around 30 children. The difference in number does make a difference in the personalization of the orphanages. At HCH, which has less children, they do a better job of letting kids experience ownership of both possessions and chores. The children's clothing are labeled and each child has a drawer for their things. Also, the older children share certain chores like helping the little kids get ready for bed and helping with meals. I know FHG would like to do better at these things and has taken some steps like creating bags for the kids to store their personal property in. But it is difficult to work out all of the details when you have more kids. I know first hand through my job how adding more kids really can complicate things. In general thought, Haitian kids seem to struggle with ownership of things. Most kids in Haiti don't have toys and life there often revolves around the moment rather than the future so caring for toys and other items so that they last for tomorrow is difficult for kids at both places to comprehend. Another difference would be location. FHG is in Port au Prince which is a huge city while HCH is in Mirebalais which is a city but in a rural setting. The air quality in Port is really not good because of the street traffic and burning garbage. FHG is also located on what is essentially a converted hotel. There really isn't much space for kids to run and play. HCH has a large fenced yard with playground equipment. FHG would love to be in a more rural setting and is currently working on plans to purchase land to allow this to happen.

Orphanage Experiences-Part Two: Similarities

Comparing the orphanages is really not about saying one is better than the other. There really isn't one way to do things and running an orphanage is no exception. But for the sake of those who might be interested, I would like to share a bit about their differences and similarities. Both orphanages are operated from Christian perspectives. Both orphanages employ Haitian staff to care for children and to cook. Both orphanages have a range of children from birth to teens. Both are meeting needs in Haiti that arise from severe poverty, lack of educational opportunities and lack of appropriate medical care. Both dramatically improve the living conditions of the children whom they serve.


Many people in Haiti live in one room huts built from corregated metal and palm fronds. Others live in one or two room cinder block houses. Over ten family members may live in a house like this which does not have electricity or running water. If the family is lucky, they have a well nearby to supply them with fresh drinking water. If not, they carry water in recycled plastic jugs either from a well or from the river. When I say a well, I mean the old fashioned pumps that you pull the handle up and down to make water come from a spout. And when I say a river, I mean a dirty, muddy river that people do laundry in, take baths in, and water their animals from. We have seen all of these occurring almost simultaneously at the river. Sleeping in a small house is tricky and a family may or may not have a mattress to sleep on. I have read that large families often sleep in shifts. Lack of food is a huge problem in Haiti and is a major reason why many families place their children for adoption. Many in Haiti do not eat three times a day; often food is provided once a day. This depends on the family's income as does the content of the meal. Poor families may eat biscuits made by combining dirt with lard and letting it harden in the sun. They may eat only rice or beans. Other families may have animals like chickens or goats that they can butcher occasionally. Some families grow corn or peanuts. We personally saw two farmers planting crops, one using a donkey and a plow and the other using a team of cattle and a plot. And there are fruit trees like pineapple, mango and coconut which families can harvest fruit from. Through the orphanages, Haitian children are given three meals a day plus snacks. They sleep in real beds with real mattresses. They have access to fresh drinking water and indoor plumbing.

These orphanages also provide children with an education. I believe I read that the illiteracy rate in Haiti is close to 50%. That is unfathomable to me as I live in a country where 90-100% of our population is literate. There are schools in Haiti but my understanding is that most of them are not free. Plus children can be seen as valuable contributors to a family's economy so a family may feel it is more benefical for a child to work than to go to school. Both orphanages provide schooling to the school aged children. Both are teaching the children basic English skills. FHG recently switched curriculum and I can see a huge improvement in the English skills of the kids from when I was there last summer to now.

Medical care in Haiti, for the poor, is beyond substandard. It is, in some places, non existent. If I remember correctly, there is one doctor in Haiti for every 10, 000 people. Craziness. Children and moms die in childbirth. Often. Children die from diarrea. Often. Children and grown ups die from tuberculous. Often. People suffer from malaria and other parasite born illnesses.. Often. Couple these medical concerns with lack of access, a superstitious culture that acredits illness and death to curses, lack of basic medical knowledge, and reduced women's rights and you end up with a mess. Both orphanages ensure that the kids do not suffer from malnutrition, that their basic medical needs are met, and that more complex medical needs are tended to and monitored. Melinda, at HCH, is a nurse so she has medical knowledge and is able to personally care for many needs. FHG has a pedatrician who comes in once a week, if I remember correctly.

Orphanage Experiences

D and I have been placed in a unique situation in that, through our adoptions, we have been able to see the inner workings of two orphanages in Haiti. Being able to see two different places has allowed for us to have some good conversations with each other and other individuals as well about orphanage care and life. The first part of our trip was spent at Haiti Children's Home in Mirebalais, Haiti. It is run by an American mother and daughter who have been working in Haiti for over 20 years. During this part of our trip we put in 10 hour days at the orphanage, doing many different jobs from painting a mural in the baby room, to photographing portraits of all the children, to holding babies, to playing with older kids, to helping with meals and feedings. The second part of the trip was spent at Maison de Enfants de Deiu (For His Glory) in Port Au Prince. This trip was set up to allow for most of our time to be spent at the hotel with Kenson. However, we did spend a few hours at the orphanage and I have been to this orphanage before on a previous trip where I spent approximately 8 days, 8 hours each time at the orphanage. On this trip, D and I hung up the busy blankets we made for the babies' cribs, played with the older kids, and took photos of the children. On our previous trip to this orphanage, we did a ton of different things including painting murals, doing light construction projects, and organizing supplies. Here are some photos showing many of the ways in which we were able to serve.

Our projects

Mural D painted in the baby room

James, one of the boys from HCH whom we photographed

(James does not have an adoptive family and is a boy who truly needs a family. He wants a family with every fiber of his being. If you're interested or know someone who might be, contact Haiti Children's Home)

Busy blankets made by K and a friend for FHG

Kenson

Kenson Jules is growing like a weed! He is so big! We have always been told by the Haitian staff how big he is and well, it's true. For a Haitian kiddo, he is long and tall. We were pleasantly surprised at how well he was doing developmentally. Kenson has spent basically his whole life in an orphanage. That doesn't really bode well for developmental readiness. He is walking (not as well as Conleigh who is six months younger) but he is fairly adept at it. He points at things he wants. He nods yes and no, even when questions are asked in English. He loves to mimic. In fact, D taught him to rub his tummy and say "MMM" while he was eating. All of those things point to quality care and nannies who are taking the time to teach and love.

He was quite unsure of what to think the first few days with us at the hotel. The first night, D and I both cried because we knew how scared, sad, and confused he was. He just had huge quiet eyes that just echoed of loneliness and uncertainty. He latched onto me right away and for those first few days would hardly let me put him down. He then started to warm up and get braver and more secure but he rarely let D hold him. He would play with D and liked interacting with him but holding was a bit past the limits. The task of staying at the hotel with us was such a big one-our baby has really never been anywhere other than the two baby rooms of the orphanage.

Food was a bit of a question mark. The orphanage food is pretty mushy in texture. (Beans and rice, baby cereal, etc.) I had brought several toddler favorites like freeze dried fruits and cereal but Kenson really didn't care of the crunchy texture. He did decide he liked graham crackers, ice cream, and Coke. He ate other foods too like pancakes, ham, and spaghetti.

Again, we're so thankful for our connection to Kenson and confident that God has been at work in his life already. Enjoy a few of our favorite photos of Kenson.

Worldview Challenge

Before I start downloading and uploading and bombarding you all with photos of our Haiti trip, I want to take some time to decompress, to let my most recent Haitian experience settle and churn and resonate and rest. Having left three very poor countries on four separate occasions, each time I have always felt a huge responsibility to be the world's story teller. I always have a hope that my words and my ability to retell and related my experiences will do justice to the people whom I have just meet, that my stories will be pressed down into the hearts of my friends and family and then resurrected in their own lives in some tangible way.

So before I piece together my random thoughts and hundreds of photos, I want to chalenge you to consider your heart and the worldview that you hold based upon your life experiences, your compilation of knowledge, and your heart's fervor. What experience in life has most molded your current worldview? What experience has created a dramatic change in your worldview, for better or for worse? I hope you'll post your answers. I'd love to know what events have been important in your life. And then I'll tell you mine...and share about my current worldview including the impact Haiti has had on how I see the world.

Conleigh

We have spent quite a bit of time with Conleigh so far. The orphanage likes to keep kids in their normal routines as much as possible so she isn't going to the hotel with us and needs to be following her usual schedule as far as eating and sleeping goes. But there is an upstairs where we are that we can use to have a little bit of quiet time with her throughout the day. She took about half a day to warm up to me and is still unsure of Derek. She will let him touch her and giggles at him but doesn't want to go to him or with him. She often sucks her right thumb and pulls on a braid with her left. (At the same time) She was in a private home with a missionary family for almost 9 months and just came back to the orphanage in January or February. Having lots of other kids around who are always in her space is a challenge for her. She really just wants a grown up one on one and for the other kids not to touch her a lot.

An Adventure No Doubt

We have arrived! And it has been an adventure so far. I was excited because I knew I would get to see more of Haiti on this trip. Well, we've definitely seen a lot of Haiti. After getting into the airport, we went to two grocery stores and a restaurant so that mean quite a bit of driving in town. The grocery stores were interesting. Of course, most Haitians don't shop at grocery stores so the stores are really intended for non Haitians or wealthy Haitians. I saw proscuito, a gallon of artichokes, Lebanese olives, and real blue cheese. (None of which I would be able to buy at my usual grocery store.) I also saw a group of Japanese United Nations soliders buying like 5 cases of rum as well. (Good to know that they have guns and stuff that explodes.)

We then went into the countryside to get to the orphanage. Ummmmmm, the trip defies commentation. Think really bad gravel road, mountainous Colorado, and road construction all in one place. After three hours of jostling, we got to the orphanage and met Conleigh. She was a bit shy and spent most of the time hanging onto one of the orphanage workers but she did warm a bit after some chocolate chips and water. She is just beautiful. Since then, we've hugged and held lots of babies and children, helped with bedtime, played soccer, walked down to the river, eaten the standard beans and rice, and started painting a room. As I mentioned before, we've seen a lot more of Haiti this trip and when we get back I will have to elaborate on all of that, hopefully with some pictures.

Less than a month!

In less than a month, we will be traveling to Haiti. Unless there is a miracle, we will not be bringing Kenson home this time because he still needs a Haitian passport and a US visa in order to board an airplane and leave Haiti. We will first travel outside of Port Au Prince to Conleigh's orphanage. It sounds like it is a 45 mile drive that takes around 3 hours. I'm especially interested to see the countryside of Haiti. This will be our first time meeting Conleigh. We also hope to meet her birth mom and do some painting at the orphanage. After that, we will be visiting Kenson at his orphanage. We will do some sight seeing, work in the orphanage, and go to the Embassy to apply for Kenson's visa. A couple of friends and I made textured busy blankets to take for every baby in the orphanage so I will be taking those with us and attaching those to the cribs. We've got our flights made and our hotel rooms booked and have started to get things ready to pack up. The trip will be here before we know it.

Photo credit-fellow adoptive parent Heath McDonald