God and Me-WIITY

These last few days/weeks have been hard. Really hard. I have spiritually felt very flat. Emotionally, it seems like I've just rotated every few days between all is well, all is calm to panic, panic, panic. To be honest, there have been times where I've felt like if we could get through two days in a row without crying that would be an accomplishment. My thoughts have just been consumed by thoughts of a passport and then thoughts of a visa. I have spent a lot of time wrestling with all the uncertainty of becoming a parent, the uncertainty of my daily schedule, the uncertainty of what I will be doing in two or three weeks. I have been jealous and disappointed and hopeful and pessimistic all within a few days time. Almost every part of what I do seems to be dictated by when Kenson is coming home. And that all leads to a lot of anxiety and stress and tears.

Today during church the first song our worship team played was Reign in Me. The song talks about having God as Lord of your life, that He should be the most Supreme thing in your thoughts and in your heart. Specifically, the lyrics place God over your darkest hour and your dreams, over every thought, over every word. That is not how I have been living. Instead, I've been stuck a lot on how it is not fair that Kenson isn't home, that others have finished the last part faster than us, that none of our year end/January plans seem to be working out, that my desires don't seem to be important to God.

Gregg then preached from Matthew 16:24-26. "Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?"

Having God reign in your heart means denying self and losing your life. It means putting down what you want, not wanting what somebody else wants and doing what God wants. I can't tightly clamp my fingers around all the "stuff" in life that I want to have if I want to carry the cross of faith. My hands only have enough room for one of those things. That doesn't mean we have to abandon all the good things we desire because often our deepest desires were put there by God.

But it does mean I need to practice a little bit of the WIITY principle (Thanks Gregg for a great acronym.) In John 21:15-22, Jesus has been cruficied and has risen from the dead. He is eating breakfast with his disciples. Jesus knows Peter's passions and talents and heart. He desires for Peter to become the rock on which the new church, based in Jesus' death, is built. Jesus solidifies this calling by asking Peter not once but three times if he loves Jesus and then tells Peter that if he loves Jesus, he should "feed My sheep." After the last question and answer session, all of which have Peter feverently declaring his love for Jesus, Peter turns and sees John and asks what John's job in the new church will be. To which Jesus replies, "What is it to you?" (Get it? WIITY.) I needed to hear that today. What is to me what is happening in other families? What is it to me that my life is full of uncertainty and chaos? What is it to me if God has us still waiting while other families are home? Yes it is about a child coming home and being with his family but it is also about the role God has for me. Right now, it's still waiting. Why, I don't know. Do I wish it were not so? Definitely. But what is it to me? God wants my heart to be a place where His will reigns, where I know that His hand is still on us, where I trust that His wisdom and providence are wiser and more all encompassing than my human plans. What is it to you is really just God's way of saying, "Press on. Keep your eyes on the goal. Push down those thoughts rooted in concerns over this world. Focus on the eternal. Push on. Let Me reign in you."