Saturday, February 14, 2009

God and Me-Perfectionism, schedules, and motherhood

I am a type A, ducks in a row, plan it months ahead of time, rehearse it 'til it's perfect, execute it flawlessly kind of person. In most things, I'm that way. (There are certain things that I don't spend too much time on in an effort to do it correctly. Cleaning house would be one such thing. I can live without crumbless floors and I don't really freak out over dog hair stuck to my couch. I'm not a slob; I just can compartmentalize enough to allow for imperfection in that area. Of course, there is always a small voice in the back of my head that always reminds me of what I ought to be doing with my housekeeping duties but I manage to ignore it. Same with exercise. And encouraging my friends and family.) But generally, I am a driven person who thrives on accomplishing tasks and organizing chaos.

For me, motherhood meant a gigantic shift in my driveness. Resigning from my teaching job meant reassigning my purpose into things that revolved around my home. I believed and still believe that, in this season of my life, that's where I need to be. But reorganizing my life has not been an easy task. The person in the first paragraph still lives in me and craves busyness and multitasking and problemsolving. I know many of you stay at home with kids and are reading this and thinking, "Um, yeah, that's what I do all day long at home with my kids." Yes, I get that. But it is a different pace and a different life than working at my teaching job.

So like any good type A planner, I created lists. Remember the one scene on Jerry McGuire where Renee Zellwenger tells Tom Cruise that he completes her? Well, that's how I feel about lists. They give me direction and purpose. They make me happy. I have a list for each day of the week with chores to do and reminders like "take vitamins" or "go for a walk/run". And when Kenson came home, I added more things onto my list. Some were chores like "Spray the toys with bleach water." And some were activities like going to the public library on Thursdays.

Okay, now what does all of that have to do with God? During Kenson's nap time, I've been reading a book called Martha to the Max, Balanced Living for Perfectionists. It has been a good reminder to me about what being a stay at home mom is about. (It's not about lists, by the way.) Some of the things I've read this week which have been great reminders for me of my need to reign in my go go go personality have been the following:

A large part of problems aren't in what you are doing but in what you are choosing. (ie Doing daily devotions are great but if it's just something to cross of the to do list, it's not a choice. Doing enriching art activities with your child are great but if it's just something to cross of the list, it's not a choice.) You must choose to do the "good" things.

Some of the lies that Satan tells-
If we tried harder, we could get everything under control. Then everything would be perfect.
All the inner imperatives (I ought to, I should, I need to) are true. If we achieved them, our stress and pressure would disappear.
We should use every ability we have to the utmost at all times, even if it harms us or someone else.

For me, as I have transitioned into a new role, these were timely reminders. They are things I know, things I've heard before, things my mind totally understands. But they are things that my inner core fights to keep alive.

No comments: