God and Me-The Rub

You know that saying, the rub? It's kind of like where the pedal meets the road, I guess. It's kind of a weird saying. (One the etymological nerd in me kind of would like to know more about.) Spiritually though, I think I might be in the rub, if there is such a place.

I'm not sure where I am. I am very weary of Conleigh's adoption. My heart is heavy about it. A lot. It seems like every so often, I just get into a funk about it, where bedtime because torture because all I can think of as I am quieting myself to go to sleep it Conleigh. And then I want to run downstairs and check email to see if there's some positive news. Or run downstairs and surf the Internet hoping maybe I'd find something somewhere that would give me a little bit more hope about getting out of IB***. Or run downstairs and check ticket prices and try to figure out a way to get to Haiti sometime within the next few months. When I am quiet, I want to be busy. I want to be SOMETHING. I am tired of sitting static and still. And I'm tired of God not fixing it.

But this week, God has continued to remind me of His desire for me to stay out of it, of His desire for me to sit and for Him to work. God reminded me that last week with stories of Hagar and Sarai, Rebecca, and Dinah. He asked me not to doubt His goodness.

And this week, God has steadily continued to give me that same message. After two days of fretting and stewing, one evening of browsing the Internet trying to find other families in our position, an email sent to a children's advocate/lawyer in Haiti, and lots of mental complaining, God asked me to read some Psalms. I think that's because Psalms are so full of vivid descriptions of God's character; they always seem to remind me of Who God is. So I put aside the book I was reading and the Bible reading plan I was following and flopped The Message open to a Psalm. Psalm 115-118 actually. And God's constant voice came though. The Message version of Ps. 116:7 is "Relax and rest; God has showered you with His blessings." NIV is "Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you. " More of God saying to stop, to enjoy what I have, to trust that He will continue to bless us.

Then tonight, as D and I sat down to read a Bible story before bed with Kenson, we read the story of Gideon. Gideon was asked by God to lead an army against enemies of Israel. And God whittled Gideon's army down from 32, 000 men to 300 men. God doesn't need thousands of people or hundreds of people to accomplish His plan. And He doesn't need me to spend my time contacting as many people as I can, trying to find a solution to my problems. At least not now. Maybe there will be a time and a place for that. But it just seems like I am continually hearing the same message. "Be content in my faithfulness." "Don't doubt my good plans for your family." "Trust My ability to be at work in this situation."

And therein lies the rub. I'm not sure I like that message very much. I would much rather have an active role. I would much rather stew about if God will be faithful and bring Conleigh home. I like misery and unhappiness and worry. They sometimes feel much safer than trusting. And it's easier; there's less resistance in my heart to those first things.

I don't want to be there but that's just where I've been the last few days. It seems like it comes and goes so here's hoping we're on the upswing. Hoping I can tap into God's Spirit and choose trust rather than doubt.