God and Me- Doubting His Goodness

This last week God has used two songs to minister to my heart. I have literally had tears in my eyes as I've considered what God might be teaching me about life and faith as I've listened to these songs multiple times. It is so easy to get caught in the trap of self centeredness and self absorbtion. I spend my time there when I feel like God isn't being fair to me, when I feel like life is handing me a raw deal.

And to be honest, in a lot of ways, I have felt like the last few years have been full of more than my fair share of disappointments and injustice. In January 2008, my mother in law died at age 52 after a very short 4 month battle with lung cancer. My grandmother and D's grandpa died the following December and January respectively. In the case of D's grandpa, Kenson had been home about a week. Kenson has missed knowing those family members and they have missed loving him in real life. We were the closest family member in miles to D's mom and tried to organize her care from afar. We are now the closest family member to D's grandmother and I often feel the weight of caring for her, even though that weight is mostly self imposed. We're selling our house but are still waiting for the right family, even though we feel like the move we will be making is what God wants for us and will enable us to minister in more ways. Conleigh's file has been delayed for what feels like an eternity; it is killing me to think that in January I will have not seen her for one year. And that we are no further along than we were last September.

But that's the reality...life is not fair. It's just not. And my sucky stuff has no more merit than someone else's sucky stuff.

As I've heard these two songs this week, God has continually reminded me of all the goodness He has given me, of how great His affections are for me. I've listened to these songs with my bubbly three year old sitting in the same car as me, healthy and happy and generally well adjusted. A three year old who less than a year earlier was in Haiti without the physical presence of his family. I've watched my mother in law get sick and die and watch my husband lose one of his best friends in the process. But we're standing on the other side of it, stronger and better because of it. I wouldn't wish that time back but I certainly wouldn't trade it for anything. God has blessed us with an amazing house that is warm and comfortable and cozy and will be our shelter until He says it's time to move on. And while I don't get the wait associated with Conleigh, I choose to believe that this wait is a part of bringing her home and the time that is perfect for her heart and mine.

I've also listened to all of this thinking about Hagar and Sarah's story, of how Sarah chose not to fully trust God's promise for her life, of how Sarah orchestrated her own Plan B, just in case God didn't hold up His end of the bargain. She doubted God's goodness. Those words, doubting God's goodness, have just been in my mind this week. I started a fiction book this week called Dinah's Tent, which is the story of Dinah, sister to Joseph, daughter of Jacob, granddaughter to Rebecca and Sarah. And as I've read I have seen how tangled the family has become with multiple wives and children jockeying for position in a family. I've seen how the family became a conglomeration of God and gods, of true alters and Asherah poles. And part of me has to wonder if Rebecca set the stage for the chaos by her choice to ask Hagar to bear her child.

It made me wonder what chaos I might be bringing into my own life by doubting God's goodness as well. Could I be spinning my own web of tangled lives all because I do not believe that God loves me and has a good plan for my life? It has made me realize how quickly my actions loose their luster when I frame it with the words, "doubting God's goodness."

May I choose this week to believe in His goodness. May you be encouraged to believe it in your own life. Listen to the songs God gave me this week. They are such powerful reminders of His loving presence in our lives.

Oh How He Loves Us