Living the American Dream?

I think one of the most complex adoption issues for me as an adoptive parent is battling the deluge of thoughts that come with thinking about my child's past life, his present life here, and the what ifs of what his life might look like if he were still in Haiti. It is terribly hard for me to imagine my child living in Haiti.

While I know there is good in Haiti, my mind automatically focuses on the negatives. I see the lack of health care, the lack of schooling, the existance of substandard housing and sanitation, and can't help but be thankful my child will be free from that. I can vividly picture the naked toddlers standing beside their brightly painted tin and concrete huts, feet covered in chalky dirt. I can't help but notice the one dark electrical wire servicing a bare bulb inside of that house, the lack of running water, the lack of a proper toliet. And I can't help but see the old men who probably aren't nearly as old as they look, leaning on some ancient piece of farm equipment, trying to break the soil with mules, grinning toothless smiles and waving calloused hands. These men certainly mirror what my child would have probably become. And again, I can't help but feel grateful that my child will probably avoid these hardships.

To some degree, I struggle with that gratitude. It's not that I don't believe those things, because I do. But believing those things can also mean that I don't value the way Kenson's Haitian family would have raised him, perhaps that I am a bit too proud of my American life. I don't want to be that person, the one who believes I'm a better mom just because I have more resources at my disposal, that my child will live a better life just because he lives here. It's just so hard to not get caught up in the negativity of it all.

When I see Kenson standing on our lush grass (okay grass and weeds), kicking the soccer ball with D, I can't help but think how there isn't any grass to even stand on in PAP, let alone some to kick a ball in. And when I see Kenson jamming out to The Wiggles, smacking the bejebbers out of a container he is using for a drum, I can't help but think how if he were in PAP, he might not even have electricity in his house let alone a television and a children's movie. And seeing him take advantage of all the opportunities we have in American like public swimming pools and parks makes me think how if he were still in Haiti, he would never giggle with joy as he stood under the umbrella sprayer at the pool or asked for more as he slid down the slide.

Hard stuff to think about. Another adoptive mom recently posted on this too. I had written this post and left it in my draft file but reading her post made me want to get this post up and running. Heather has a great poem about the "What Ifs." She also had a wonderful link to some beautiful Haiti pictures, from Cite Soliel, one of the worst areas to live in the entire world. Photos by Jan Sochor

Cite Soliel is an area of Port Au Prince, not where Kenson or Conleigh was born but definitely not the far removed. There are also more photos of Haiti here, by the same artists. You might have to scroll through the different photo essays to find the Haitian ones. These photos do wonderful job capturing poverty and beauty, hopelessness and hope. They also capture just about everything I have seen while traveling in Haiti.