Deep Dark Secrets of Toddler Adoption, #4

Secret # 4
Adopting toddlers does not mean that you will be past all of the behaviors that one associates with babies. People generally associate diapers, bottle feeding, and sleep deprivation with babies. But if you adopt a toddler, there is a really good chance that you will experience all three of these things.

With potty training, there is a good chance your child actually was exposed to potty training prior to them coming home. But you really don't know how successful they were. So as a stress reducer (for you and the child), it is much easier to go back to diapers and avoid the issues of accidents until life has calmed down. Being in diaper also represents an opportunity for your child to be dependent upon th parent. When in diapers, they will need the parent to change the diaper which helps to cement the belief that the parent will meet the child's basc needs.

Bottle feeding is also something that can help a child attach to a parent. Infants learn to recognize their parents while feeding. Infants learn to have their physical need for food met while their emotional needs for intimacy are met through the snuggling that occurs while feeding. For newly adopted toddlers, they have missed these experiences with their new parents. Bottle feeding allows for cuddling and snuggling, creates opportunities for a parent to hold the bottle and dictate that they will meet the need, and allows a toddler to enjoy the baby stage of life which may be been hurried or missed altogether.

Lastly, just because you are adopting a toddler, do not assume you will have a child who sleeps through the night. One of mine slept through the night from the very first night. One of mine slept through the night maybe 5 times in the first three months and continued to have sleep issues for 6 months after placement. The first three months often involved multiple wakings each night. It was not fun and very much like having an infant. But the weird part is that no one else really knows or assumes that this is happening unlike when you have an infant at home. Then people assume you are not sleeping. With a toddler, the opposite assumption is made.

Adding to the complexity of those issues it that by allowing your child to be in diaper, have a bottle or be comforted at night, you may be defying cultural norms.  (Or at least the advice of your mother-in-law.)  It can be very hard to see other kids who are the same age as your child and recognize that they are completely past all the "baby" behaviors that your child may need to be allowed to continue in.  It can make you doubt yourself or make you feel like your child is falling behind and may never catch up.  (Even though that is not true for a moment.)