Deep Dark Secrets of Toddler Adoption, #3

Secret # 3

Your child will grieve and will deal with that grief in ways that are not very fun to watch or deal with.

Your child's life before you, even though imperfect, was still familiar and comfortable to them. If I had a dollar for each time we have been told how blessed my kids are to be in America, I might be able to go out for a nice dinner. While I agree that my kids (and every other person living here) are blessed, it does not negate the fact that they have had to sacrifice much to be here. Their language, their friends, their food, their culture, their schedule, their caretaker, even their beds and their clothing...all of these things have disppeared in an instant.

With toddlers, their experience is unique in that most of them are unable to communicate what it is they are feeling. (This is true of older children too but with toddlers it is different because older children might be able to express themselves in their native language. Toddlers, regardles of language, do not have the language skills to express themselves.)

So in place of words, you get raw emotion. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Despair. Both of my kids have had times of inconsolable anger and sadness. Times where we have simply moved things out of their way and let them rage on the floor, rolling and kicking from side to side.

One of mine tried to gain control by shutting me out and shrieking anytime I drew near. This went on for many days. I tried hard not to take it personally but it certainly didn't line up with my preconceived ideas of spending the first days at home cuddling and holding and nurturing.

Other kids will use their bodily functions like pee and poop to maintain control. (We did deal with this on a small scale as one of mine repeatedly pooped in the tub in a way that seemed very deliberate.)

Another way kids seek control is by food which can mean not eating, eating only certain things, or not stopping and hording food.

It can be incredibly heartbreaking to watch because you wish you could make it stop but you can't.

And it can wear on your nerves because of the length of time that some of the behaviors go on. Think tantrums that last 45 to an hour or two. Think controlling behavior that takes months or years to heal.