Walking Adoption with your Kids

We're probably a bit unusual in how much we talk about Haiti in our home, especially since Conleigh came home.  There have been stretches that have seemed to go on for months, where we have probably talked about Haiti every day.  I'm sure some of that has to do with having one who was just at the place where he was starting to be able to verbalize some things and then having one who just came home. 
Regardless, we are a pretty open family.  (Well I am.  D has just been corrupted by me and my extended family.)  Conversation flows freely on a wide variety of topics and in general, not much is taboo.  That carries into what happens with our kids.

There are times when I chose to be deliberate in bringing up Haiti or adoption.  Like when we eat mangoes, I point out how we all ate mangoes in Haiti.  Or if I make banan pese, friend plantains.  I usually say something about plantains growing in Haiti.  Or grilled bone in chicken.  That's become known as Haiti chicken in our house.  (Anyone else wondering why all of this revolves around food?)  It's not just food though.  It's in choosing to read books with strong adoption stories or with themes that might lend themselves to talking about racial identity.  In those times, I don't push my kids to think about the story in any way other than simply enjoying the story.  If they bring up something related to Haiti or adoption or race, fine.  But I don't force it.

We've also tried to create things that support a bridge between their past lives and their current one.  Both of my kids came home to small photo albums of "People Who Love Us" which had pictures of our family and pictures of nannies from their orphanages, their birth families, orphanage staff, etc..  That book was meant to be loved and was on their bookshelves to read anytime they desired.  They both have scrapbooks of their early years, full of pictures of orphanage life and pictues with their families.  These are in the living room and I usually try to monitor them when they look at them just so they treat them gently.  I should have made two copies of everything but it didn't occur to me until after the fact.  We also have the screen saver on one of the computers set to a slide show of our assorted trips to Haiti.  So often the kids will stop and notice those pictures and ask to hear about those trips.  Again, there isn't any pushing it.  It just seems like the kids decide to look at those things whenever they want.  And that if we're available, we try to walk them through what things are happening in the photos. 

Both of my kids call their Haitian Mamas by their first names.  Mama so and so.  Both of them ask questions about their Haitian mamas from time to time, often things that I don't know the answer to.  Like what her house looked like.   And sometimes they ask things that I do know the answers to.  Like if she loved me.  Or what letter her name starts with if she has the same letters in her name as one of the kids.  And both of my kids know the general sequence of their stories, that they couldn't stay with their Haiti Mama, that they were loved at the orphanage, that Mama and Papa flew in an airplane to come and get them.  Each time we tell the story, it seems like more details get added.

We've also read quite a few picture books that deal directly or indirectly with adoption.  A Mother for Chocoand The Mulberry Bird: An Adoption Story are two that Kenson instantly saw the adoption themes in.  Off the top of my head, we also have Tap-Tap, My Family is Forever and Jin Woo.  (And if you don't have them and are interested in buying them, if you buy using my links or my Amazon recommendations, I get a portion of the proceeds!)

I read once that what we say about our children's birth families in their absence is a very powerful thing.  I think that's true of their birth countries too.  What we say when we think no one is listening or what we say when we know the birth family/birth culture as a whole is unable to hear it are powerful messages to our kids.  While negative things are a part of both of my kids' stories, the way I frame them make all the difference in the world.  Choosing words that are life giving words, words about their histories that inspire my kids and bring life and light to their hearts and faces are so important and create a confidence within them that says "all of my life is valuable and useful to the Lord."