Oh the difference between the words "I love you" and actual actions! I have a family member who is difficult for me to love at times. It's easy to say "I love you" but it is so much harder to do it. This week I have found myself questioning what it looks like to love this person.
She is stubborn. And passive aggressive. And manipulative. And has done hurtful things in the past to people whom I love. But she's also scared. And lonely. And depressed. And confused.
It is so easy to be bombarded by the negative, to want to strike out and love her "my way." I think that means loving her in a shallow way, where platitudes are said but where my heart still holds her at an arm's length away. It is hard to love her. I want to pretend her circumstances don't exist and claim my time and my energies as my own, that she is not deserving of me spending them on her. If it's not seeking to isolate myself from her, then it's feeling like if she would just do things my way, then all would be well. (Actually I'd settle for her doing just a few things my way...) Because of the circumstances, I find myself dealing with someone who says one thing and does another. I find myself coming behind her and cleaning up messes. (And no, it's not my daughter, in case you're wondering!) It's more of a figurative mess than a literal one. In short, I find myself feeling like I am repeatedly wandering in circles in my relationship with her.
As I've questioned, I've found myself stuck on the words "It is easier to control people than to love them." Easier...do I really want to choose the easy way of love?
And what does the hard way to love look like? Especially with her. More than anything, I think the hard way looks like grace. Like arms outstretched on a cross while a calm yet wounded heart says "this is for you." It's peace in the midst of being hurt. It's letting someone else's mistakes make you look bad. It's quietly saying "I believe you are worth my sacrifice." And it's choosing to love rather than fix or rearrange or redo.
Oh but it's hard! My heart keeps saying, "But really? I don't want to do the hard way. Grace and mercy? A kind gentle spirit? Invest time with her? Allow her freedom to make choices that backfire and create problems? Really, God?"
May my heart let go of the easy way and embrace the hard way. May I loosen my elbows and resist the desire to hold her at arm's length. May I love her with Your love, in a way that she may not deserve but in a way that gives her what she needs.
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