Parenting is hard. Parenting an adopted child, especially one who is newly home is a bit more than hard. One of the tricky parts is figuring out what the root of the behavior is. Is it related to adoption or trauma and grief? Is it just normal behavior for that age? Is it just normal behavior for your child and his/her specific personality? And because that personality is still emerging, even knowing that is a challenge. It's also tricky because generally speaking kids who come from orphanage care are going to have some delays. That can include emotional and social delays meaning that while the child is a specific age, like 3, they may have a tendancy to act in ways that mimic the normal reactions of a much younger child. And as an adoptive parent, you have to accept where they are while helping them grow and "catch up."
One of our biggest struggles with our newly home girl is related to behavior and sleep. It is a terribly vicious cycle, one where lack of sleep means nightmarish behavior the next day. Her personality is naturally strong willed and independent. She is highly verbal and out to make her view point known. And she is terribly disobedient when she is tired. Last night was a prime example. After supper, she asked me for some watermelon that I was cutting. I told her she could not have any more because she didn't eat all of her supper. Less than 30 seconds later, I find her sneaking watermelon off the counter. (Two nos...disobeying a direction and sneaking food which is an issue of trust) Blatant disobedience is one of those things that pushes my buttons so I sent her to the living room to sit in the chair while I talked with D about a consequence. She immediately ran away from the chair, despite a reminder of where I asked her to sit. When I picked her up and made her sit with me in the chair, a loud tantrum erupted because she was being made to sit down. 3 major discipline problems/deliberate disobedient acts in about 3 minutes. There are times when you feel like you are in discipline mode ALL DAY LONG.
That's kind of where we've been living right now. I'm not sure where it's coming from. My best guess is because the start of school has changed things up and that change is scary for her. Most change in her life has been negative. It's scary in that it's full of uncertainty. New people, new places-it's scary for a lot of kids. Doubly scary when you have faced new people and new places in the ways she has. As a tiny infant separated from the Mama who gave her life. As a not quite year old baby whose foster family had to return her to the orphanage because of a crisis in their lives. As a 3 year old girlie who was handed to complete strangers in the middle of the night, separated from her friends, and placed into our arms the next morning without seeing a familiar face. That's my best guess. So maybe we'll move around to balancing that disobdience with plenty of grace, repeating truths to her like "New places and friends can be both scary and fun." "You seem to be disobeying Mama a lot, almost like you're mad at her. Being mad at her won't change her being your Mama forever." "It can be confusing to have new things going on. Guess what things always will stay the same? Your Mama and Papa and Kenson will always love you and always be here." Now if I could just remember that instead of getting angry and frustrated...isnt't that the story of every parent?
4 comments:
Not sure how old your daughter is, but my daughter is about to be 4 and I go through at least 5 of these same battles on a daily basis. I think it is pretty much normal for this age, but then again my first daughter was nothing like this. They are probably just testing us to see what they can get away with. Hang in there!
I am right there with you. The twins behavior, especially at school and on the bus, has been pretty bad lately. They yell no at their teacher, grab other kids--Kaleb grabbed a boy around the neck yesterday! I'm hoping with consistency it improves. It's hard to know how to discipline. My first thought always is, "They know exactly what they're doing so let them have it" but I try to be more controlled than that. We haven't had our special night movie and popcorn for a week though!
My 3 Girls-thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes the best medicine is spending time with other moms and their 3 year olds. It helps give you some perspective and remind me that a lot of other kids are doing the same type things.
Kathy-the reality is you can only reinforce what the teachers do. It's up to them manage their clasroom and your two kids and they have to figure out how to do it or they'll be in for a LOOONNNG year. A parent who gives consequences for poor school behavior always helps but a good consistent teacher can make progress regardless of what the parent is doing. (But it's so much easier if there's somebody at home helping you out.)
We have issues here with my 5 year old and change. So smart but immature in many ways...And he's very strong willed as well. But it does get better with time. Asher on the other hand was on the opposite end of the spectrum. But he likes to sneak food. He is so quiet about his sneakness that it's hard to even catch him doing it.
Kenson's Locs look great :) I really want to start Ashers but he cries whenever I get close to him with any kind of "hair-care"! And cutting his hair is traumatizing! But he is getting better about everyday stuff, still huffs and puffs a little though. But we are getting there. I think I'm going to start growing his hair out this fall and see how it goes...
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