Wednesday, July 9, 2008

More from a waiting heart-Time and the wait

I am not doing well tonight. D is gone to town for soccer stuff. I haven't been sleeping well due to too much traveling. My sleep schedule is all messed up. We stayed out until midnight three nights in one week and now my body is not wanting to go to bed at a normal hour. Last night, it was 3 a.m. or so when I finally fell asleep. And I am missing my kids.

They're not really my kids. They're God's kids. Adoption has a way of constantly reminding you of that. When I start thinking of them as "mine", that's when the sadness and sense of loss start to kick in. And that's where I am tonight.

I don't know if it's because I know there are other adoptive families in Haiti right now who are closer to my kids than me. Or if it's because we've been having trouble getting the processor at Conleigh's orphanage paid and this just feels like yet another delay in getting her home. Or if it's because my nocturnal ways are catching up with me.

I think I am especially struggling for two reasons. First, I think the weight of traveling and leaving two children is finally catching up to me and I am really starting to process it. Second, I think I'm dealing with some guilt because of the way things have gone with Conleigh's adoption. we knew about her in November but it took us until May to get her dossier to Haiti. Everything that could go wrong did. We had a miscommunication with our agency, D's mom was sick so we had to cancel appointments with the agency, D's mom died in the middle of trying to assemble our paperwork, it just took a long time. And now that our paperwork is there, we've hit another delay. Our paperwork has not yet begun to be processed by their lawyer because our payment hasn't arrived. I did not get too worried about sending our payment because I didn't understand that not having the payment could hold up our process. I tried to send it before we left for Haiti but the person I needed to talk to was unavailable due to having a sick child. Then we left for Haiti and were gone for 11 days. Then we got home and I called and got the information but then forgot to take care of it before we left for my parents. So I could do nothing since we were gone. After we returned, I tried to send it but the bank told me the information I had would not work. Back to calling the person who gave me the information. She didn't know what was wrong and said she would look into and get back to me. 3 days later, I called her back and she still didn't know what to do and advised me to talk to someone in Haiti about it. Which I did today. Which resulted in me getting information that looks like it will work. But I also heard today for the first time that we need to get our payment to Haiti by next week because the adoption processor will be gone on vacation soon and not having our payment there would mean our dossier would not be able to be processed until August.

I am not stressed about getting our payment there before this person goes on vacation. I am just sad to know that Conleigh's process could have been held up until August because it has taken us basically a month to figure out how to pay the people we need to pay. I can't help but feel a bit responsible for the length of time that Conleigh will ultimately have to wait. But I also know that this wait, while not okay, is okay. That a lot of adoption is not about my efforts. In fact, I read just yesterday that waiting is not about my efforts plus God; it's really just about God.

One of the sweetest, most selfless prayers I have heard my husband pray was about our wait for Kenson. One night at small group he prayed that God would use our son's smile and personality to minister to the nannies at the orphanage. I know that was not an easy thing for him to say outloud because it almost seems to make light of a child having to wait in an orphanage. Those words seem to offer a haphazard acceptance of the waiting our family has done. But it was about him recognizing that God is still God; in fact He is the God of the wait. And tonight, even though my eyes are teary and my heart feels a bit defeated, I choose to believe that, to choose to picture my God, sitting on His throne, with His foot resting on top of that awful four letter word-WAIT.


Anonymous said...

Great post! And your husband's prayer was absolutely God honoring, it admitted that God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are not our ways.

Kathy said...

It took us a long time to get our dossier ready too. I waited way too long just to have someone tell me they couldn't do the homestudy, then everything got sent back from authentication and it took six weeks for legalization. Knowing what I do know, I could have it ready a lot faster. I keep thinking if I'd gotten it around I would have been out of ibesr before the dispense thing started and they'd be almost home. At least there is no more dispense and a file from our O went through in six weeks although most are taking three months now.

Dawn S. said...

awww, girl, I could have written that post. We learned about Patricia in early Dec. then we found out her bro was available in Feb. (if we sponsored him, FHG could take him in) and then in early March my mom got sick and the next 4 months were a blur. Two months of her in the hospital(she came through it all, by some miracle!), two months of cleaning out their home of 29 years and painting every surface etc,etc,etc. SO it took us until LAST week to get our dossier sent out. **SIGH** So I totally get the guilt thing, but that is the last thing that the Lord wants for us. He is in charge and it will work out. I so understand your desire to make sure that nothing you do or don't do makes your child wait any longer, but the truth is, God is up there orchestrating the whole thing. This is for sure my longest comment ever. Glad to have found your blog and keep that chin up, my friend!

Dawn S. said...

OH! And we rented a cabin on Lake Superior to get away for a couple of days and the guy on the phone said it had a queen and a twin. When we got there and I saw that there was a queen and a full I started to cry. Hubby was like, "what's wrong?" and I said, "I miss my kids!" I was so sad that there was room for them and they weren't with us. I understand your sadness. Our kids will all be home soon, I pray!