The Fellowship of Motherhood...To Stay at Home or Not

I've said it before but, in a lot of way, I am a stay at home mom by default.  Meaning?  Meaning that I was not the person who grew up just waiting for the moment until she had  kids.  I was not the person who knew that I would for certain stay home with my children.  I was the person who from the time she was little had a pretty good idea of what she would do with my life.  I was the person who planned her life to look a certain way including college and career choices.  I was the person who knew what I wanted in life and worked hard to get there. 

But when my mother in law was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I quickly recognized how I could not teach full time and be a caretaker.  Because of the way I teach, I invest a great deal of time into my classroom and my classroom kids.  And something had to give because there are only so many hours in a day and only so much that one person can humanely do and be.  I couldn't be all things to all people without my classroom suffering or my relationships with my family suffering.  I knew that when Kenson finally came home, I would need to be there full time. 

Did I want to quit my teaching job?  Not really.  I loved teaching.  I love the challenge of it.  I love bringing order out of chaos.  I loved making each kid think I showed up every day just to see them.  I loved infusing my public school classroom with big, God sized words like mercy, grace, and forgiveness.  I loved the mix of backgrounds, to see white banker's daughters sitting next to Guatemalan immigrants' sons.  I loved watching kids feel successful, sometimes for the first time in their lives, as they learned to read and count and get along with others. 

I just knew that I wanted to give my best to my family and that working full time would mean too much sacrifice for them.  That I couldn't be the mom that I wanted to be if I were working full time.  So I took the easy way out; I quit. 

In actuality, it is one of those thing that has not been easy.  I don't idle well.  I've had to shift from one purpose that made me feel fulfilled to another.  And to be honest, staying home has meant slowing down.   There are certainly times when I wish I were working full time because I miss the buzz of a classroom and using what I believe is a God given gift of teaching.

What I've learned by having my feet in both worlds is that the choice to stay at home or work comes easier for some than for others.  Some people have known since the day they first held their ragdoll that they were meant to be a stay at home mommy.  On the flip side, there are working moms who have such a strong sense of purpose and direction that comes from the day jobs that they can't imagine staying home.   

I don't know that most moms fall into those catagories though.  I think that probably most find themselves feeling guilty or regretful or wistful regardless of their choices.  Moms who want to stay at home and can't because their family needs the income feel guilty.  Moms who stay at home and have unfinished college degrees wonder what might happen if they went back to school.  Moms who work because they want to find themselves feeling badly because they don't see their kids as often as they'd like.   Moms who stay at home find themselves frustrated by the day in and day out monotony and wish they had an office to go to.

The real issue is that the choice to work or stay home is actually an issue of identity.  This is why it's easy for some people to stay home.  Their sense of self is deeply tied to their identity as a mom, nurturer, and homemaker.  And it's why it's hard for some people to stay at home.  Their sense of self is deeply tied to their job; they believe they've been created with a specific set of gifts that are useful in their place of work. 

Imagine trying to get someone to give up a piece of themselves.  Imagine trying to get someone to return a gift given by the Creator.  That is exactly what we as women do when we become critical of the choices another mom has made in regards to work.    It's very easy for stay at home moms to encourage working moms to stay at home.  Even subtle comments made about how beneficial it is for kids to not have to go to daycare, how good it is for kids to have a mom around all day, they all lend themselves to making a judgement about working moms.   Similarly, comments made about a stay at home mom giving up her career or not finishing college are statements of judgement as well.  We do not know what plans God has for the women around us.  We also do not have a the ability to see into their hearts and to know who God has created them to be or how their identities and gifts which were given by God are to be used by God in the realm of work. 

Instead of viewing it with a "this way is best" mentality, let's accept that there are different ways of being a mom.  Just because I choose one path that I believe is best for me and my family, this doesn't mean that an opposite way chosen by someone else is less than best or bad.  Instead of a feeling like we must compete against a mom spend her daytime hours doing something different than we do, let's put the guilt aside and not use such comparisons to undermine what God has called us to.  Let's be uplifted and encouraged by the belief that God has gifted all of us differently, that He has plans for each family and that being in step with His plans is what is most important...not whether we stay home or pursue work outside of the home.