"How are you liking staying at home?" Ugh! It's such a loaded question. If I quickly reply how much I love it, I feel like a big fraud. But certainly those whom have asked it don't intend for me to tell them ALL of my feelings about motherhood.
Don't get me wrong, I believe without a shadow of a doubt that staying home is where I am supposed to be right now. But I did not just "know" that right away. I am not the girl who has known all her life that she wants to stay home and be with her babies. Instead, trying to work a full time teaching job and juggling my mother-in-law's illness and death cemented by inability to be all things to all people and helped me recognize that trying to be both a mom and teacher would mean a lot of little kids, both my students and my children, would get the short end of the stick as I would not be able to invest my time in both things in the ways that I wanted.
That said, transitioning to this new life is not all roses. I'd like to tell people who ask me that at times motherhood fits me about as well as a pair of tight, pinching-my-toes-and-rubbing-my-heels-raw shoes. There are times I feel smooshed and smothered and total out of my element. I struggle with wondering if it awful that my toddler watched 2 hours of tv today or if letting him have peanut butter at every meal means he will suffer from some vitamin deficiency. It makes me frazzled and grumpy when I get woken up in the middle of the night. I sometimes push my kiddo away when I know he needs me to be more loving. I wish my husband were home more because there are a lot of days right now where I am doing the whole day by myself. I wish I could get out more, by myself, but then cringe at the thought of leaving my kiddo with someone else. There are times where I am just fed up with crying and that shrill toddler scream Kenson seems to be so fond of right now, times when those sounds bring tears to my eyes. At times, I miss my job and the sense of purpose that job brought to my life. As crazy as it sounds, I miss the buzz of a class full of 6 year olds. And then the real kicker is that I feel badly for complaining, for being negative, for being selfish, because I know there are a lot of other people who have real reasons for those feelings. I think all women do things like that. I think it's part of their DNA, to long for authenticity and honesty but then be totally taken aback and consumed by guilt when those thoughts are finally released.
And of course, there are good feelings too. Like when Kenson was totally jealous of a little boy sitting on my lap at church. Or when Kenson smiles when I return. Or a sleeping little boy who is cuddled up in my bed in the morning and greets me with eager eyes. Or when Kenson giggles nonstop because he's managed to escape from his underwear and is rolling around naked on the couch cushions.
It's just that I hate that question about staying home. Staying home is complex and complicated, full of irony. Answering that question is not short answer or multiple choice; it's truly an essay and can't be succintly summarized in a five minute conversation. Now if I could just figure out a truthful but short answer...
6 comments:
I don't really know what to say but I know you'll work through it all and that it will most likely get easier.
It's kinda like asking newlyweds, "How's the married life?!"
I think your answer can be the same for just any mother. How do you like being a mom? There is so much more to the saying, "I'm having/getting a baby." It is the best job in the world, but it is the hardest job as well. I agree with you in every aspect of what you said. The joys definitely out way the frustrations...but when the frustrations are in the present it doesn't seem that way:) Keep it up Kayla!
You are doing a great job, Kayla...I am sure it just takes adjustment. Going from no children to a stay-at-home mom has to be a HUGE change. I am still praying for a way to be able to stay home at least part-time, but I'm sure if it happens it will be very different. Just know you being with him every day one-on-one is wonderful for him! Tell yourself that during the frustrating times...thanks for being genuine!
I smiled as I read this too, cause I have felt the same way every day of my life as a mommy. Just goes to show you that either decision you make is difficult. I deal with guilt everyday for working full-time and having to drop my little man off at daycare. But I know if I stayed home I would have the same feelings as you! Its a never ending battle! I love reading about your adventures with Kenson. Your little duck project was adorable. There is that 1st grade teacher in you!
Julie,
That's exactly the problem for me. Sometimes it feels like a no win situation because I feel badly regardless of what I do. But I continually remind myself that it won't be like this for long. Soon he (and Conleigh) will be in school and my life will once again be different and there may be more opportunities for work and a social life then. And adoption makes for unique situations because it's different when it comes to babysitting and daycare. Kenson is just now getting to the point where I think he could handle having someone babysit him, in our home.
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