God and Me-Intentions

On Sunday, this post was great.  As in that day Sunday, the I'm-supposed-to-be-worshipping-God-and-gleaning-valuable-information-from-the-sermon Sunday.  In my defense, I don't think it's a bad thing to spend part of your Sunday reflecting on what God has done in your life in the last week.  It's kind of one of those centering activities.  You know...for focus and self evaluation.  ('Cause who has time for that during the rest of the week?) 

Anyway, on Sunday, somewhere in between "Now is the Time to Worship" and another song that I've long forgotten, my brain was pretty clear.  I remember feeling guilty because my quiet time with God had been so sporadic.  Last week was busy.  I subbed 3 days out of the 5 weekdays and then we headed to Norfolk to spend time with D's family.  My kids were whiney and crabby and kind of sassy.  I may or may not have been some of those things too.  I just didn't feel real stellar about my week.

And then God reminded me that His love for me is not based upon my ability to measure up.  We sang a praise chorus with the central message of the Cross and God reminded me of how that Cross is an unearned gift that has nothing to do with my performance.  Even Pastor Dave said something in the sermon that echoed those lines.  As he preached from the last chapter of Jonah, where the Ninahvites are spared and Jonah is steamed because God isn't venegful and angry, I was mindful of God's mercy at work in my life everyday.  I of course left feeling like I would do better in the upcoming week.  That I'd be more devoted to my prayertime.  That I'd prioritize so I had the time to do a devotional.  That I'd multiply in grace and patience towards my children.  (And that I'd find the time to actually vacuum my floors.) 

Of course, it's now Tuesday, and not much of that has happened.  (Floors are still dirty.  And the rest is semi done.  No quiet time on Monday.  No prayer time other than meal prayers on Monday.  And a moment of harshness with my daughter as she laid in bed for over an hour last night instead of sleeping.)  I agreed to help a friend and am subbing 4 days this week which is more than what I really find to be ideal.  It parellels so well with my mind plotting a well written, coherent post on a previous occasion and then finding that post has been hijacked by my overactive, jello like brain.  The best intentions so quickly fall aside. (And because that seems so mundane, I almost didn't write this post.)

I'm never sure what that means in my life.  There's a natural tendancy in me to play teacher's pet with God, to get all my ducks in a row and then proudly show the Lord exactly what I've done, hoping to win His favor.  And maybe sometimes I need to be reminded of how futile that is, that my heart is more important than my ducks.  But there's also a natural tendancy in me to want my own way, to do life on my own, to run ahead of God while I rush and hurry through life.  And maybe sometimes I need to be reminded of that too.