The Fellowship of Motherhood-The Cuteness Factor

Proverbs 31 is one of those sections of Scripture that is often lofted about as what an ideal women looks like.  It brings to mind a long list of things that women can do to be seen by others in a positive light, often in  a way that makes others gush about how "cute" something is that another women has done.  (Why women do this, I don't know.  You will never hear men doing anything like this.  But then again, most men don't gush over much of anything.)

For example, my kids are cute.  I hear it all the time.  And I certainly try to add to their cuteness in little ways.  Like sweater vests for Kenson with coordinating plaid shirts.  Or billowy dresses with vividly patterned tights for Conleigh.  Is it really necessary?  Um, no.  I just like to do it.  It's one of the perks of motherhood. 

There are lots of things like that.  Things that really don't matter too much in the grand scheme of eternity but are things that are important to us as moms, that make us feel good and are probably more about our own likes and dislikes than anything else.  And of course, because it's often a matter of personal preference, these things represent opportunities for women to form opinions.  Here's my list of thing that have a certain "cuteness" about them:

Children's names-No one wants to pick a name that is perceived as a monstrosity.  But everyone has preferences about what name they like, how they pick name, and what name go together.  It's easy to apply your own opinion to what names you like and don't like.  But really is it needed?  Regardless of if it's Clementine or Clara, Charissa, or Catherine, I don't think anyone needs to know my opinion on what so and so named their child.  Yet I feel obliged to evalute their choice based on the "cuteness factor".  Why?

Home decor-I'm guessing as I write this you can pretty quickly identify a decorating style that sums up your home.  It might be primitive.  It might be clean and simple.  It might be classic and floral.  Or it might be "whatever."  As in "whatever I was given and has managed to make it's way onto the walls or into the rooms."  We choose to decorate our homes in ways that make us feel comfortable and cozy.  For some people this means a house straight out of Martha Stewart Living.  For some this means a house that is more like the bungelow featured on the tv series Roseanne-a bit outdated and mismatched.  Either way, it's easy to evaluate yourself based on the cuteness factor.  What it really creates is a rat race where you strive to keep up with the fictional Jones whose home is just one step above your own.  You land in a state of constant discontent.

Personal clothing choices-Think for a moment about what your children last left the house in...A flourescent pink shirt with orange and white striped shorts complete with a pair of too big snowboots?  Maybe a nice button down polo (in fall colors of course) with a pair of corduroys and brown leather shoes.  Maybe something that was on backwards.  Or maybe something stained.  Or maybe a great dress with coordinating tights and a very cute hair bow.  In very broad terms, how we dress our kids comes off as an extension of us and our parenting style.  I am a flexible structure type gal.  It's about 50% mom/dad choice and 50% kid choice when it comes to what they wear.  We started by letting the kids pick either their shirt or their pants and then one of us picked the other half of the outfit.  Now our kids pretty much pick all of the outfit with a little suggestion here or there from one of us.  Backwards or stained is fine for the grocery store or the library but if we're going to church or school, I ask them to change.   Shoes I'm a bit more picky about.  Around the house, wear whatever you want.  But I don't want shoes becoming a destraction from life (and a pain in the butt for me) once we leave so no snowboots out of season, no too big cowboy boots (unless we're at the rodeo), etc..  Am I the mom whose kids look like they just stepped ouf a disply window at the mall?  Sometimes.  Am I the mom whose kids might look a little rag tag?  Sometimes.  But I'm happy with the way my kids dress and that's what really matters. 

The ability to sew, bake, or do other Homemecky Becky tasks-Yes, I can do a lot of things that fit under this catagory.  But that's because I was encouraged to do those things by my family so that I might be able to be a "homemaker" (or at least know enough to fake it).  I also like to do a lot of those things.  Baking homemade goodies, sewing a skirt for Conleigh, scrapbooking our life story...I enjoy it.  To some degree, I enjoy it.  But there is also this inner compulsion in me to do things that are "cute."  I never sent out an adoption announcement for Kenson because I didn't want to send out a plain announcement from Walmart where I filled in information with a pen.  I wanted to create my own and have it be "cute."  I have a hard time taking a boxed food to a potluck or as a treat for school; instead I want to take something homemade that reflects my ability to cook and cook creatively.  The truth is I'm sure there are women like me who complicate their lives by simply having to be the "overachiever".  And I'm sure there are a lot of women who don't enjoy any of those tasks at all.

I think what I've seen is that Proverbs 31 becomes a measuring stick of sorts, where women often find themselves trying to present a nonauthentic self in order to preserve the "cuteness factor."  It gets put out there as a directive to be a gourmet chef, be a great steward of resources, sew and be crafty, homeschool or teach others, and to be an entrepeneur.  I'm pretty sure that's not what God intended that chapter to be about.  God knows how these skills might benefit a familly and how a woman who can do these things can encourage her family through these things.  But no where are these things given as commands, as direct instructions from the Lord for a woman to do every single one of these things.  And this business of maintaining the "cuteness factor"  also disregards the spiritual truth behind spiritual gifts which is that we all have been given different gifts, just as a body as many parts so the Church has many gifts.

Proverbs 31 also has some often overlooked verses.  "She sets about her work vigorously;

her arms are strong for her tasks" extolls the virtue of a strong work ethic with no specific tasks highlighted.  "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue." reminds me of the value of being a woman who thinks before she speaks so that her words may be wise and not just words uttered simply for the sake of adding to the conversation.   And there are more verses along those veins, hidden in chapter 31 among the more familiar ones about weaving cloth and preparing food.

A while back my friend Heather said something that resounded with me.  We were sitting in a small group made up of women and she said something along the lines of "If it it you to dress your children in cute matchy matchy clothes, then do it.  If it is you to decorate your home beautiful coordinated paints and fabrics, then do it.  And if it's you to dress your kids in jeans and t shirts every day, do it.  If it's you for the walls of your home to be essentially the same as when you moved in ten years ago, then do it.  Be who you are and be okay with it."  (Heather, if you're reading this, I'm sure that was not exactly what you said.  But it was something along those lines of how important it is to be who God created us to be, the "cuteness factor" aside.)  What a beautiful simple truth...be who we are.