It always sounds innocent enough. A simple little yearning for something that you think might make you happier. But left to its own devices, that yearning sets you up for disappointment as it cycles and filters and ferments in your mind. It finally grows into discontent, where you find yourself throwing a pity party over what you don't have.
We all have our secret longings that if left unchecked become the peas under our mattresses, creating bruises in our hearts and calling us out not as pleasant princesses but as someone whose inner diva is unfulfilled.
A family with more widely spaced children? Ah, that would be nice. It would certainly help tune out some of the noise and I'm sure those older kids in that more widely spaced family are way more responsible than mine.
A vacation to Disney? I know my kids would love it but I'm not sure I can justify that expensive of a trip, especially if we want to do another adoption. Sometimes adoption feels weighty and burdensome. I just can't help but feel a bit jealous of that family who is getting to make the trip.
A rustless, dentless, lower mileage van? I know mine is perfectly fine but I sometimes get tired of being thrifty out of necessity. And if we added another child, where would they sit? How do all these other families afford the more expensive vehicles that they drive?
I recently heard someone say a simple but profound statement.
"God is my satisfaction."
I may still be dealing with post pregnancy hormones but those words seriously pricked my heart and brought a few small tears to my eyes. I loved the phrasing. Maybe because it changes the more common wording of "God satisfies" and eliminates the idea of God doing something for me, which I can quickly corrupt into an all-about-me-yes-I-love-how-God-does-things-for-me type endeavor. Or perhaps it's because it extends the idea being satisfied by tying it to God's character, making it a part of Who He is. Satisfaction becomes a noun, not something I am longing for and trying to achieve. As a noun, satisfaction is already accomplished. No working hard to deny my desires and telling myself how silly I am to seek fulfillment apart from God. No trying to push down those feelings of envy or discontent and then feeling less than because they have popped back up. It's simply saying "God is my satisfaction and I can choose Him at every moment. I do not need to try harder, work harder, do better."
Yes, God is my satisfaction. A satisfaction without an end or a beginning. A satisfaction that has already been realized not one that has yet to come to fruition. God is my satisfaction.