Monday, October 22, 2012

What I Can Do Myself

God is looking for people through whom He can do the impossible ~ what a pity that we plan only the things we can do by ourselves. ~ AW Tozer

A fitting quote for me as we welcome a new little boy to our home. For the first time in years, I have found myself thinking maybe 3 will be the magic number where we stop. For some reason I had always thought 4 or maybe more. But this time around, things have felt different. Two weeks away from my kids was HARD. Being just about the only Americans in a vast Chinese city was completely isolating. A grey landscape that seemed dark and a bit desolate seemed depressing. A little boy who rejected us and whose presence was going to change everything seemed overwhelming. Mind you, I knew at the time that all of it was temporary, that things would get better. But the Monday night, after we picked up Zeke, I was not doing well. The straw that broke the camel's back was thinking we would not have Internet access to Skype and Facebook with our kids, family, and friends. I woke up around 3 a.m. and cried until about 7. I wanted to get online and ask people to pray for me but I was afraid of using the computer in case we couldn't find an adapter for our power cord. I was afraid to be without a way to contact my kids. If it had been my first adoption, I probably would have wanted to give up and go home.

Now we're 2 weeks past that point. My prickly pear of a little boy is slowly letting go of his need for control; he's making more eye contact and craving affection in small doses. I am home with my kids although I definitely cried when I hugged each of them for the first time. I am still sleep deprivived but things seem much more manageable. And adoption number 4, while never a sure thing, doesn't seem like something I could never do.

God is at work in the impossible, the improbable, and the downright uncomfortable. So thankful that He sees beyond my plans and continually nudges me towards the plans He has made.



Dardi said...

I keep going back to this quote myself! Thanks for stopping by my blog...I had found yours through the BAAS group, & I happen to like the beauty of your family! Looks familiar. ;)

Had to laugh as you talk about being in China. I actually blogged straight up that I was not liking it there one bit! Isolation & I do NOT get along, but thankfully, GZ was quite different from where we started, & I have good memories.

Kathy C. said...

Hang in there. Savor the good, ignore the rest. Take time for yourself no matter what!! Even if you have to park them all in front of Tangled three times in a row to be able to read a book!

Really, when the twins came home I'd put on a movie. They'd sit in front of the TV fascinated and I'd lay on the couch and hopefully doze a little. They were waking up at 4 a.m.

When we added our third, things changed. Partly because we were outnumbered and partly because #3 had a strong personality. I didn't really notice after that.

Tammy said...

Praying for you guys - I know how hard this journey is. Before I adopted my first son, I was sure I would adopt at least two. However, after over a year of dealing with attachment problems, trauma and sensory problems with my first son, I didn't think I ever wanted to go through that again! But here I am and will be traveling for Number Two in a couple of months. You will get there too but don't push yourself. You don't have to be anywhere except where you are right now.

Kathy C. said...

Come by my blog and be random with me. I bet there are more than ten random thoughts going through your mind!