The part I like least about about parenthoood is pretty easy to identify. It's not diapers or temper tantrums or even vomit. (Can you believe I've actually avoided cleaning up vomit at home thus far in my parenting life? Amazing, but that's another story. Once it happens, I might be changing my mind.) Seriously the thing I despise is how parenthood magnifies your flaws. It takes all these not so lovely traits and exposes them. For some reason, it's as if things like impatience and selfishness and anger and complaining are lying dormant inside me and parenthood forces them out of dormancy and into full fledged blossoming and thriving flowers. (Or perhaps I should say weeds.) I am probably being a bit too generous with myself. Those traits weren't actually dormant; they've been in my life all along. I just could hide them better or I just didn't think about them as much as I do now that I feel the pressure of setting an example for my children.
And the constant pull of parenting seems to leave me feel overexposed, like the big uglies in my life have lives of their own. Yelling when I'm frustrated makes me feel better. Complaining to my husband about his long hours makes me feel like if I can just convince him of what life is like at home as a "single parent" then I can control his work schedule. Throwing a pity party because I am absorbed in my own thoughts regarding the aggrevation of loud crying lets me put my own desires for peace and quiet ahead of someone else's needs.
I find myself often measuring myself up to a person (who I'm not sure, but some person who apparently never yells at her kids, never wishes the kids would quickly fall asleep so she can watch a television show uninterupted, never sticks in a video to get away from the child induced drama, and never complains about things). And of course that's not who I am so I resolve and pray about trying harder. And there's nothing wrong with examining your life and trying to be the person God created you to be, to be dilegent in avoiding sin or seeking forgiviness. But I think I've been living in two extremes: the place of letting those small bad habits get the best of me and the place of feeling badly because of it. I am who I am, created by a loving God. My flaws are part of who I am too. And while I don't want to let those flaws run my life and dictate my personality, I have lately been finding myself feeling very overexposed, as if my less than perfect life is taking center stage in my thoughts.
Overexposed, yet completely hidden. Isn't that how sin makes us feel? Vunerable yet fiercly independent. Weak yet stone faced and unflinching around others. That I hate, how my personal junk is no different than anyone else's personal junk but how I someone get lost in perfectionism and willing myself to do better. I hate how parenting points out weaknesses I thought I had basically conquered, weaknesses that I am much more adept at hiding from the regular people who I see but weaknesses that rear their heads when I have to deal with the people I love the most like my kids and husband. And I hate that feeling of being picked clean, clear down to the bone, as if God is constantly pulling and peeling layers of callous off of my heart. It's not that peeling and pulling is bad; it's just that it's uncomfortable. And those times where God does a little tidying up in my heart are often so private that I'm left with just my own thoughts rattling around in my head. Being left to rattle privately is sometimes not a good thing.
So that's it. I despise parenthood for the way it strips me of not just an outer of sanctimony and perfection (let's face it, it's hard to keep up your facade when you're still in your pajamas at 4 p.m.) but also for the way it lays bear my heart, the way it exposes my flaws and coaxes my heart and brain into some cat and mouse game of sin and guilt that hopefully ends with grace and redemption.
5 comments:
Oh friend, thank you for your heart and I understand completely. And I think that mysterious "perfect one" we compare ourselves too is non-existent or at least "she" is not wearing our shoes. :-) God Bless you today.
I can totally relate! Parenting is a refining fire. I thought I had worked through so much of my "stuff" before kids, but have learned quickly that it's still there, I just hadn't accessed it yet. Thank God life is a journey, not a destination. No matter how badly I want to be perfect or strive toward it, I won't be until Heaven. Parenting has made me more thankful than ever for love, grace, and forgiveness. Because I sure need it!
Thank you for posting that and sharing your heart. I can't believe some of the "ugly" emotions and actions that have come from me during the last couple months. Lord, help me to make choices that honor you and show your love to my children!
Thank you so much for sharing that Kayla! I think all parents who have a conscience feel that way all too often. When we are worn and tired from parenting our first response is often the easier one. Too many times have I responded and then realized that it was irrational in the eyes of my child and only served to temporarily make me feel better. You are not alone and thanks for being transparent so the rest of us know that we are not alone either! What a trip parenting is!
Amen dearie! You hit the nail on the head. And then homeschooling on top of that is just MORE refining (ack, what am I thinking!) As always, i appreciate your transparency!
Love & can't wait to 'meet' Conleigh in just over a week!
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