God and Me-Faith as a Possession

Praying has not been easy for me in the last six months. In fact, there have been times I've avoided it because I have felt slighted, as if God has turned a deaf ear to me. But even so, I've worked though that and have continued to pray, ending up with prayers that sometimes feel flat and repetitive. And today as I came to the task of my prayer time, the prayer part pressed me almost like a burden. It seems like my prayers have been lacking in spontaneous praise and in wide eyed adoration. It's not that I think every prayer needs that. It's just that I have not verbalized praise and adoration for a long time.

So I decided to write to the Lord about that, to come to Him with a heart that honestly has not felt up to a peppy or awe filled prayer life. And what I started with was the question, "Do my prayers reflect a love for You?" My answer somewhat surprised me.

Here's what I wrote: "I have loved You but in a way different than praise and adoration. It's been a holding on by a thread, clawing and scratching kind of love. Something deep seeded inside of me that I count too precious to let go of. But a love that is crossed with doubt and anxiety, that questions if You will give me what I need. And strangely enough, it's loving despite my doubt and anxiety that has made me grow. When we fight for what we love, we become so closely tied to that thing. And that truth includes our faith. I do not bring you a cherishing, eyes full of stars kind of love; instead I bring You a worn and battered, gnarled yet strong love, one that chooses to believe, that counts love and faith as a choice not a feeling."

Interestingly enough, this just ties so well with some words I read this week by Oswald Chambers. I'll leave you with those, believing that my daily walk, both the struggles and triumphs are just evidence of something deeply personal, of a faith that is a possession not an identity or a label.

"Faith must be tested, because it can be turned into a personal possession only through conflict. What is your faith up against just now? The test will either prove that your faith is right, or it will kill it. "Blessed is he whosoever shall not be offended in Me." The final thing is confidence in Jesus. Believe steadfastly on Him and all you come up against will develop your faith."